No, Boundaries Aren’t a “White People” Thing
It was Easter, and I was video calling my siblings when my dad suddenly took my brother’s phone and, after a couple of minutes of small talk, said, “Your thighs look huge and you look like you’ve gained weight. Tell me how much you weigh?”
“I’ve been squatting and lifting weights, that’s why my thighs look big.”
“Tell me how many pounds you gained!”
I realized my dad was being abrasive. For context, I also realized that he was also a bit inebriated. As much as I don’t want to disparage my father, who is a very smart and amazing man in his own right, it’s never appropriate to have this kind of conversation with someone under the influence. Not only that, but I really did not believe I owed him an answer. This interaction was not going to help my self-esteem, regardless of his intentions. So I said, “I don’t need to tell you how much weight I gained. You don’t need to know. I’m fine.”
The look on my dad’s face transitioned from frustrated, angry, disappointed, and hurt in a matter of seconds. He turned to my brother and exclaimed, “See? You see how she treats her father?”
I immediately recognized that this conversation was going to turn from bad to worse. I told them I was going to end the call and I hung up.
A common misconception is that therapists have good relationships with family and that they know how to interact well with them. That’s not at all the case for all of us, at least not for me and my friends who are therapists. Another misconception is that communicating a boundary should come without conflict.
Client concerns about setting boundaries are usually, “I’m afraid that it’s going to be an issue and they get angry”, “But what if they resent me?”, “What if they stop being friends with me?”, “It’s going to cause controversy”, or “They’re going to say I’m being selfish and disrespectful.” They hesitate to communicate a limit because they’re afraid of the outcome.
My answer is always the same: If setting a boundary was going to be easy, you didn’t need one.
If this person already respected your choices, your autonomy, your schedule, whatever, wouldn’t they already hear you out? If they react negatively, all that does is further reinforce the need for boundaries. Their reaction is proof you were right to set boundaries in the first place.
Culturally, some communities consider boundaries to be selfish or disrespectful. Some South Asians consider it a “Western” or a “White people” thing—it’s not. Some of the greatest Eastern philosophers have communicated the spirit behind boundaries for centuries: prioritizing internal peace over external peace, forgiving others in order to let go of anger, being one with yourself, etc. Everyone has their limits. It is human nature to communicate agitation when enough is enough.
For some South Asian American people though, communicating boundaries can be extra challenging. Here’s why:
1.) We don’t want the other person to feel betrayed. Have you ever heard someone say, “How could you do this to me? After everything I’ve done for you?”. That guilt-tripping, whether intentional or unintentional, comes from a feeling of betrayal and hurt.
2.) We think that a lack of boundaries indicates the intensity of our love for someone else. We sacrifice our needs for the greater good of the community or someone we care about. We put their needs above our own to show our love and hope we receive love in return. Our love language is acts of service. When we’re willing to do anything for someone, we prove our love, loyalty, and dedication to them.
3.) For some of us, there isn’t a clearly-defined “adulting” transition. American or Western norms generally expect young adults to move out of their parent's house and go off to college by 18 and start living on their own after graduating and getting a job around 22. For some Desi people, we may get married and have children in our parents’ house well into adulthood, and some of us don’t move out at all. Our parents continue to be heads of the house. Our parents still expect to make or heavily influence our decisions, even when we’re legal adults and fully capable of building our lives.
4.) We believe someone’s inquiry into our personal lives is how they show their love. Do you know those aunties who ask the most invasive questions? They might be nosy, and yes they have trouble minding their own business, but this is how they’ve been taught to show investment, and thus great care, for your life. As a result, choosing to communicate that you won’t tolerate these invasive questions may make you look “disrespectful”.
My parents thought I was being “disrespectful” for firmly communicating that I don’t want to share information about my weight. Over the years, I have come to believe I’m not at all being disrespectful, and that I’m well within my right to communicate my boundaries. Why? Because here are the consequences if you don’t set them:
1.) You may have trouble making your own choices that feel good for you. If you often prioritize your parents’ wishes, it’s hard to differentiate what you want for yourself from what your parents want for you.
2.)You may experience heightened anxiety and dread during your day when you anticipate seeing this person. You already know that this person can suck the energy out of you, no matter how much you love them. You need a break from them to gain clarity and headspace.
3.) You may experience increased hopelessness and loss of interest or pleasure in life. If other people have more control over your life than you do, how motivating is that? The lack of control can make you feel stuck or trapped.
4.) You may doubt your own capabilities and unique interests because someone else disapproves. You limit yourself if you fear someone else’s reaction.
5.) You may feel forced to do things you don’t want to do at the risk of losing that person or upsetting them. You may find that it’s just easier to do what they want instead of mustering the energy to say no.
6.) You have limited or lack personal space. It’s hard to get clarity to make decisions if that person thinks that your business = is their business.
7.) You have trouble being assertive for the people you care about, such as your spouse or your child. One of the most common complaints I hear among South Asian women married to South Asian men is their husbands won’t stand up for them in front of their mothers-in-law. The culprit? Their husbands lack boundaries and fear of conflict with their mothers.
8.) You have a hard time deciphering between the messages from the people around you versus factual information. Desi Americans receive a lot of conflicting messages about marriage, diet, and exercise. If you’re constantly surrounded by people who share one mentality or perspective, it’s hard to zoom out and learn from another perspective. This can result in negative thinking about yourself which affects your mood.
9.) You may start to internalize messages that abusive or manipulative behavior is a sign of love. When we don’t set boundaries and we learn to take explanations of abusive behavior as excuses for “showing love”, we normalize and accept it without realizing it.
10.) You end up repeating the cycle of generational trauma and maladaptive coping behavior. When we are taught to make sacrifices for our parents’ happiness, we may inadvertently expect our children to do things for our happiness too.
Some may say I was being harsh with my dad. I’m sure there are many South Asian and Desi Americans in my family who think I’m disrespectful. Could I have communicated my boundaries better to my dad? Of course. There’s always room for improvement. When I communicate a boundary with him, and he becomes frustrated or angry, it doesn’t mean I stop setting the boundary and just give in to what he wants. It means I have to be more firm in setting boundaries with him. Especially in South Asian communities, we might need to be more strict, and less gentle, over time if someone isn’t getting the picture.
Boundaries are not just about communicating. Here are some ways to grow confidence in setting them:
1.) Identify what to say and when: A boundary can be as gentle as, “I appreciate your concern, and I can figure it out on my own”, or “Thanks for the advice, but I didn’t ask for it, and I don’t need your help”. If you find that the person won’t get off your case, you may need to be more firm, and throw anxiety about what other people think to the wind: “I appreciate your concern, but it’s really none of your business”, or “I don’t owe you an answer or an explanation”. If they still won’t let it go, you might have to take control and say, “This conversation is not helpful and I’m going to end it here. You can come back to me when you feel ready to respect my space”. Walk away or end the call.
2.) Start believing in yourself. If you haven’t been able to set boundaries for most of your life, you might believe you’re not capable of setting them, or that it’s “too late” for you. Fear may get in the way. This may require stepping out of your comfort zone one foot at a time. It never gets easy, but it can get better.
3.) Reject the unhelpful messaging you’ve heard. When you weren’t able to set boundaries for most of your life, you may have internalized someone else’s perspective about the world. These people projecting may have impacted your self-esteem. Identify what you’ve learned from the people around you compared to what you actually know to be true. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help with differentiating feelings from facts.
4.) Learn to care less about what other people think. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care at all; it means striking a balance. This is easier said than done, and it takes the work of a good, culturally competent therapist to guide you in working through that anxiety and self-esteem.
Boundaries have been popularized in the media, but it’s been around way longer; they just weren’t called “boundaries”. They were called “rules”, “behavioral conditioning”, and “discipline”. When someone says, “It’s none of your business”, you know what that is? A person setting a boundary. I’ve heard that said by my parents to my aunts and uncles, from cousins to other cousins, even as a little kid in the school playground. This is not a millennial thing!
Developing boundaries also means unlearning unwritten rules about your relationship with the world around you. It means questioning the idea that you “owe” people something because they gave birth to you, they married you, or they did something good for you a long time ago. You can still care about someone and be there for them without giving up everything for them. You can love someone and still have personal space to make your own decisions. These things are not mutually exclusive. They can coexist. Compassion without boundaries does not increase compassion. Compassion without boundaries leads to resentment.