Therapy for Cultural Guilt and Shame in New York, New Jersey, and California
For Brown girls who feel like they’re constantly being guilt-tripped just by being themselves.
You can love culture. You cannot love culture to death.
Therapy for Brown women shouldn’t feel like Giving your therapist another history lesson.
It also shouldn’t feel like your Brown therapist giving you a history lesson on why your parents and cultural community guilt-trip you.
That’s Why You want a Therapist who is Culturally Responsive. Not a cultural Guru!
You’ve Been Told that Guilt and Shame Are “Just Cultural”
Your cultural identity is not an unpaid debt or a jail sentence, but for some reason, it feels like:
You’re supposed to suffer and struggle to prove you belong
There’s a competitive “Crabs in a Barrel” mentality and misery loves company
Your success feels like a betrayal to the culture
You’re minding your business and someone’s got a problem with you
Your parents’ needs trump your needs
You feel like you’re in trouble for setting boundaries
You’re supposed to be a band-aid for a broken system
The worst part? You’re not just getting these toxic messages from your parents, aunties, or elders. You’re getting them from your cousins and other Brown peers—people who were born and raised in the West, who should know better, but choose to guilt-trip you into thinking you’re not “culturally enough” for choosing differently.
If Culture requires you to abandon yourself to keep it alive, then maybe it doesn’t deserve to be propped up!
And if choosing to not abandon yourself makes you a “bad” Indian, then let’s be “bad” together!
If You’re Finally Ready to:
Be confident in your decisions and not let your parents’ opinions dictate them
Have faith that you know yourself better than some random Brown cousin does
Take yourself just as seriously as you take other people, rather than comparing yourself
See other Brown women as your equals rather than as your authority figures
Stand up to gaslighting in your community instead of tolerating it “for the culture”
Be proud of your joy and accomplishments rather than apologetic
Let the guilt pass rather than letting it take the wheel
If culture is starting to feel like toxic collectivism then you’ve come to the right place!
What is cultural guilt and shame?
Guilt is the feeling of remorse or regret after doing something wrong. Cultural guilt is the false guilt that comes from breaking strong cultural rules, norms, and expectations. This might look like, “I’m doing something bad”, or “I’m not doing enough”.
Shame is the feeling that comes with associating your identity with your mistakes. Cultural shame is the false shame that comes with cultural guilt. This might look like, “I’m a bad person”, or “I’m not enough”.
Chronic guilt and shame strongly correlate with anxiety and can worsen your depression. Rigid cultural expectations for women can worsen these conditions. Why does your cultural identity, the part you love so much, hurt you?
Guilt and shame are learned through rules, roles, and expectations of what not to be.
But if your cultural identity is formed by what you’re not allowed to do, then what does that say about the culture?
Who I am
Hey there! I’m Tracy and I’m the “Bad Indian” Therapist.
I’m a licensed therapist in New York, New Jersey, and California who helps Brown women like YOU let go of cultural guilt and shame through evidence-based and culturally affirming therapy (without the guilt-trip)!
Rules, roles, and expectations might have taught you to betray yourself for the “culture”. I’m here to show you that it doesn’t have to be that way.
I’m not a South Asian therapist. I’m someone who happens to be a therapist and South Asian.
Culture is an important part of who I am, not the entirety of who I am.
I’m also a dachshund mama, Beyoncé fan, and lover of all things New York City and world travel. I love reading a good book (please recommend a thriller to me), grabbing a good iced matcha latte or a Raspberry White Chocolate Mocha, going to a Broadway show, and playing a board game, Jackbox, and Mario Kart with friends.
I firmly believe that cultural identity is something to celebrate, not a jail cell or an unpaid debt. I don’t let cultural identity dictate what I’m allowed to do. I don’t exist in a box and neither do you.
Culture isn’t supposed to be a cult.
I don’t want to inspire you to be more like me (or any Brown Girl on the internet). I want to inspire you to feel more like yourself.
What I offer
I’m a “Bad” Indian Therapist who dared to dream differently. I don’t believe you have to choose between competing thoughts. I offer another perspective.
I combine cultural understanding with evidence-based approaches to therapy, such as CBT and EMDR to help you truly believe that the things you desire aren’t necessarily wrong (even if other people told you that they are).
You need someone who helps you cut through the noise of the cultural guilt—not make it louder.
My approach to cultural guilt and shame:
Here’s my general process:
Narrate your story: We get a good, no-holds-back, nonjudgemental understanding of your life and perspective
Identify the toxic scripts: We highlight and challenge harmful beliefs and values you internalized from family, friends, and your cultural community.
Gently confront, not avoid: We do things differently and learn the tools and skills to approach the things we desire, but have been taught to be afraid of.
I help you unlearn before you learn. You’re not only allowed to question the things you’ve been told are “just cultural”—I downright encourage it!
What makes me different
You might have had one of the following experiences:
This is your first time trying therapy
You met with a nice white therapist who didn’t get it
You met with a Brown therapist who made you feel guilty or ashamed for not fitting their cultural expectations.
Culturally competent therapy doesn’t mean I uphold toxic cultural norms that make you feel even worse.
I don’t make you explain your cultural history to me, and I’m not here to make excuses for your immigrant parents and the way they treat you either. I believe that culture is an explanation, not an excuse for emotional manipulation.
I’m not going to tell you how to feel about your parents, and I’m not going to tell you to just “talk to them” either.
I don’t believe all guilt-tripping is “just cultural”. Some people are just assholes who hide behind culture.
My Therapy for Cultural Guilt and Shame is Right for You If:
You know deep down that culture can’t be an excuse for poor behavior and you’re ready to cut through the noise and the BS
You want to treat the opinions of people in your cultural community as just that—opinions, not orders, commands, or rules
You believe you’re allowed to exist outside of the box of cultural norms
You want a healthy, mature relationship with your cultural identity, work, and the people around you
You know culture is something to be proud of—not something that restricts you
You’re ready to be the authority figure of your own life, instead of treating your cultural community like an invisible jury
You’ll come out of therapy with me with:
Acceptance that you’re always gonna be the bad guy in someone else’s story
Confident that you made the best choice for yourself, even if it’s not the “good” or “right” choice to someone else
Compassion for yourself and the people around you without feeling like you have to sacrifice who you are to “make it work”
Boundaries around your privacy without feeling like you have to hide—or even say much of anything
You don’t have to wait until things get worse for you to finally get better.
FAQ
Frequently asked questions about how I approach cultural guilt and shame with you.
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Therapy can help you decrease the intensity of guilt and shame, and make the best decisions for you regardless of what cultural guilt or shame say. No therapy can make you “get rid” of an emotion, but rather, it can help you understand where they come from, and challenge the negative things they tell you about yourself.
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Therapy is a highly individualized process. I combine approaches based on your unique challenges. I’m certified in CBT and EMDR, and have training in ACT and other types of therapy. I’m not here to make you fit an approach that doesn’t work for you. I get the approach to fit you.
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Therapy can help you get better and ultimately feel better in the long-term. During the process of therapy, you may feel “worse” before you eventually feel better. Kind of like personal training at the gym, your mental health muscles may feel sore before they get stronger. Like anything, therapy takes time, consistency, and effort to work.
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If this is your first time going to therapy, the process can initially feel intimidating, and a culturally competent therapist will understand that. While it can feel shameful to air your “dirty laundry”, that doesn’t actually mean therapy is shameful. You’ve just been taught to think of it that way.
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No, I won’t invalidate how you feel, or rush into telling you to suppress. how you feel to cope. I also won’t treat you differently than my white clients. As a therapist, it’s my job to challenge you, but it’s not my job to project my cultural beliefs and values onto you. It’s my job to help you find your own.
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No, I respect HIPAA and I wouldn’t violate your trust like that. Please know that I only work with clients who are legal adults (18+).
It’s Not your Job to Fix a Broken Family System
Therapy with me can help you let go of what isn’t your burden to carry. Book a call to learn more.