The Elephant in the Desi Room
On Monday, July 18th, 2022, Pakistani American Sania Khan was murdered by her ex-husband in her Streeterville apartment in Chicago. When the news broke out, social media exploded with commentary about how South Asian cultural traits perpetuate domestic violence, and how it is often the elephant in the room, ignored and yet still very visible. While domestic violence is a very common occurrence in the United States and throughout all cultures, there are unique factors that make this case particularly jarring. She did not have her parents’ support when she was in an abusive marriage, for one. And two, she was looked down upon by her family and her culture for getting a divorce. Sania often went to TikTok to share how her family threatened her after getting a divorce, did not support her as she shared details of her abuse, and how her family was very reputation-focused. She used her platform to encourage South Asian women to have the courage to leave abusive marriages regardless of “honor” and ignited a bigger conversation about de-stigmatizing divorce in the South Asian community for people of all genders.
As South Asian Americans, there is already a racist stereotype perpetuated in the media that South Asian men are brutally misogynistic. It’s like every day we hear a news story from the BBC of yet another gang rape of a young girl in the South Asian subcontinent. Sexual assault becomes a political debate between nationalists, both Hindu and Muslim, but little is done to address gender-based violence in our OWN communities instead of pointing fingers. So, as members of the South Asian diaspora living in the U.S. and the Western world, our natural defense is to point fingers at other cultures, (“White people do it too”) instead of acknowledging the problems in our own backyard. Explanations become excuses to avoid accountability, and thus conversations about domestic violence and sexual assault rarely happen because we want to protect our reputation from criticism outside the culture.
Here are the facts. In a convenience sample study of 208 South Asian women in the Greater Boston area, 21% of women reported having experienced physical or sexual abuse from their partner, with 15% reporting in the past year. In another interview study, 20% of Indian respondents of cisgender men and women reported at least one form of intimate partner violence. In a report of 160 U.S. domestic violence in Asian families, 19% of victims and 26% of perpetrators were South Asian. A study of 62 battered women who were South Asian, Hispanic, or African American found that South Asian women were actually more likely to seek help from family members, namely their father and their brother, compared to their other counterparts; however, they were significantly more likely to be advised to stay in the marriage by their family compared to other groups of women. While the prevalence of domestic violence in South Asian cultures is roughly similar to non-South Asian cultures, the attitudes about marriage, relationships, help-seeking, and respect are different.
It’s important to recognize the conditions in South Asian cultures that can normalize intimate partner violence. These conditions are not set up with malicious intent but are cultural. For instance, when I get into heated debates with my Dad, he isn’t the best communicator. He often says things that he doesn’t mean that can come across as very hurtful insults. My dad likely isn’t aware of what he’s doing, but this is part of the guilt-tripping that many Indian American adult children experience from their parents. According to my mother, “That’s how he communicates his love”. While I understand that my Dad doesn’t mean any malicious intent, it shows two things:
My mom, an immigrant Indian woman, at some point in her life has been conditioned to believe certain things about love and marriage as someone in her circumstances. According to an article from the Inquiries Journal of Social Sciences, Arts, and Humanities, there are several reasons why South Asian Immigrant women are vulnerable to domestic violence, including social isolation in a new country, language barriers, and legal and financial dependency.
That not everyone is intentionally manipulative, and it makes it harder to identify manipulation when it happens. Someone can be manipulative without realizing it because that’s how they were taught to communicate love. When our parents guilt us, that was a love language that they learned, not realizing the harmful consequences that it’s not always a love language with the best intentions in every relationship.
While I vehemently disagree with my mother that explanations for my dad’s communication style are not excuses and don’t mean I have to tolerate it, I understand that my mother has not had the opportunity to dream of a life bigger than what she’s always known. As someone who is fortunate enough to be born and raised in the U.S., I’m able to have higher standards. Not all of us have the privilege to break the cycle of generational trauma, or even recognize the trauma when it happens. So how do we know when the person we’re about to start a family and raise kids with is the healthy person for us?
The first step is recognizing the difference between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships. Healthy relationships are ones that demonstrate secure attachment and health dependency. This means that both you and your partner are equal partners and influencers in the dynamic, communicating honestly, and trusting each other to treat each other respectfully. You both also enjoy time away from each other, have the ability to make choices, and have equal economic and financial power in the relationship.
Unhealthy relationships are not always abusive. You’re not hurting each other, but there may be an unequal power dynamic, with both people attempting to gain control in both overt and covert ways. Communicating, if any, is ineffective. You struggle to trust each other. You feel forced to spend time with each other all the time and feel pressured into doing things that you don’t want to do. This may prevent you or your partner from having full autonomy financially and in your lives outside of the relationship as well.
Unhealthy relationships can become abusive if unchecked. Abusive relationships take it a step further. Abusive relationships have more of an unequal power dynamic where one person is controlling and hurtful, mentally, emotionally, and/or physically. That person may deny that they are being controlled in an effort to manipulate you or the situation. Not only do you feel forced to spend all your time with them, but they may deliberately isolate you from your support and financial network to make it impossible to leave.
But what if you’re not in a relationship yet? What if you’re still looking to find the right person? Subscribe to my blog to get exclusive emails with tools that I offer to help navigate healthy dating.
Domestic Violence is an issue everywhere, not just in South Asian culture. When people in the community bring up how domestic violence is prevalent in South Asian culture, it does not mean that we want to bring shame to our community or make us look bad. It does not mean that we hate to bring Brown either. Shame, guilt, and secrecy are already prevalent in the South Asian diaspora, so when you silence those who aim to speak out against cultural traits that perpetuate intimate partner violence, you reinforce the secrecy and sweep domestic violence back under the rug. It’s time to call out the elephant in the room.
If you are in an abusive relationship and need support, you are not alone and there is help. Please call Love is Respect at (866) 331-9474, text LOVEIS to 22522, or chat live on their website at loveisrespect.org. If you are looking for South Asian organizations providing culturally competent advocacy to survivors of DV, visit here.