What is Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome?
Are you an Indian American woman who struggles with:
Anxiety
OCD
Body Image
Self-esteem
Do the following self-defeating beliefs cross your mind:
“I MUST be a good daughter.”
“I MUST be a good sister.”
“I MUST be a good wife.”
“I MUST be a good worker.”
“I MUST be a good mom”?
Do you feel that your family, friends, maybe even your partner, expect you to be:
A GOOD daughter
A GOOD sister
A GOOD wife
A GOOD worker
A GOOD mom?
…Are you noticing a pattern here?
This is what I like to call Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome. This is not a real diagnosis in the DSM-V, it’s a term that I made up, but it’s something you might experience!
Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome is when we expect Indian American women to be the perfect daughters, sisters, workers, girlfriends, wives, with complete obedience and without question.
Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome is a phenomenon. We are expected to be “good”, or otherwise, “perfect”, by people both within and outside of our culture!
I’m referring to us women, specifically, because we are seen as symbols of culture. Former president Barack Obama once said that one of the best indicators of a country or a culture’s development is how well it treats its women. Our culture is understood through how we dress, cook, and even dance. Our femininity is defined by our cultural identity, and people wrongfully assume how submissive we are based on our identity. Miss Universe and Miss World are the most popular competitions for every country’s most beautifully poised and talented women, competitions that South Asians generally are deeply invested in as a source of entertainment. We are the honor of our families and the reputation of our community.
I say “Girl” and not “Woman” because people in our community think we can’t make our own decisions. It’s patronizing, infantilizing, and also very confusing! Growing up as minors in immigrant households, we were expected to do adult things, such as raise our younger siblings, or translate for our parents when they run errands. But we can’t assert what we want as adults! When we assert our right to not get an arranged marriage, marry when we want, not get married, or not have kids, elders often debate us as if we can’t possibly know what we want! If we “talk back”, we’re not being “good” daughters. “Girl” reflects how people assume they know what’s best for us, and that, like children, we are supposed to obey and be “good”.
Let me be clear: I don’t mean to dismiss the experiences of Indian American men. They experience the pressure of carrying on the family name and also feel that they can’t marry who they want. Sometimes we even use the word “boy” to infantilize them too. But elders will often let their behaviors and choices slide. While beauty competitions for men are growing in popularity, they’re not the default expectation when we think of a beauty pageant, because we don’t see men as symbolic of a culture in a “perfect” or “beautiful way”. In fact, Indian American men have to deal with negative stereotypes: “beasts”, “savages”, and “barbaric”. This can affect their confidence, depression, and self-esteem. They deal with different pressures, but not necessarily the pressure to be perfect. Studies also show that Indian American women are more likely to experience the consequences of perfectionism, and that our emotional health is more likely to predict anxiety-based disorders, such as eating disorders, compared to our men.
My focus is specifically on us because of how perfectionism influences our mental health and our cultural loyalty. We might think we’re being “racist” towards our culture when we question the unrealistic standards placed on us. Sometimes we might mistake this for internalized racism. After all, perfectionism is everywhere in every culture and in every gender, so why fixate on us?
I recently attended a screening of “Deconstructing Karen” by Race2Dinner run by Regina Jackson and Saira Rao, a second-generation Indian American woman, lawyer, and former congressional candidate. “Deconstructing Karen” is a documentary about Race2Dinner’s initiative to hold liberal white women accountable for unlearning white supremacy in both overt and covert ways. One of the covert ways that liberal white women exhibit white supremacy is through perfectionistic tendencies.
Rao talked about how she had to unlearn Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome, though she didn’t call it that. She talked about her previous desire to assimilate and “fit in”. She had a desire to be as close to whiteness as possible. Namely, her desire to be perfect was because of internalized white supremacy. When we assimilate to American culture, we’re actually assimilating to whiteness. Perfect Indian Girl Syndrome™ is internalized white supremacy.
You’re actually subscribing to Eurocentric ideas of what it means to be an “acceptable” woman, or what it means to be “feminine”. Even if you’re super into your culture, your Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome is a by-product of colonialism. In the arranged marriage market, and even in the modern dating arena, the desire for a young wife who is thin, with long luscious hair, and fair skin is racist. The desire for an Indian American wife who looks this way can intensify your body image issues, and may lead to restrictive or binging eating patterns.
This doesn’t just show up in dating and body image. Your career might fuel your Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome too. Your parents expect you to not just do well in your career—you have to be #1! Your employer might expect you to work harder and put in more hours because of the stereotype that Asian employees are generally more “docile” workers. These are the challenges that come with being a daughter of immigrants in a racist society.
Our community and our culture condition us to be “perfect” for benevolent reasons. Our immigrant parents learned that assimilating to whiteness is the key to success, and they only want what’s best for you. Likewise, our parents are not clueless—they’re aware that opportunities for women in the West are different compared to opportunities that were available to them in India. Your mom and your aunties want you to be successful because you have opportunities that weren’t necessarily available to them.
Despite this, they don’t question their expectations in you to be a “good daughter” or a “good wife”. So while they dream of you becoming a doctor or a lawyer with a full-time job, they still expect you to get married young, cook, clean, and take care of your family just like they did. They might not understand that a demanding job doesn’t allow you do to do all of that. You might also be expected to be the “peace of the home”, maybe even be the unpaid couples therapist, and mend conflict in your parents’ marriage. But if you voice your concerns about this, you’re just creating more conflict! You’re causing trouble! And that is the opposite of what a “good” daughter or a “good” wife is supposed to be. You’re supposed to be “nice”: in service to others and accepting mistreatment in return. Perfect Indian Girls™ don’t ruffle feathers.
Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome says all Indian American women should have the same desires and lead the same lives. Any deviance from this is abnormal. If you question this, not only are you being a “bad” Indian girl, but something must be wrong with you if you can’t keep up.
If you’re struggling with Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome, you might be more vulnerable to anxiety and low self-esteem. There is a body of research and literature that suggests that perfectionism along with other factors can produce anxiety and lead to generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and eating disorders. There are also studies that show that Indian American are susceptible to both perfectionistic anxiety and eating disorders.
As a licensed therapist who helps clients with Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome, I want you to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you can’t keep up. What’s wrong are the expectations we place on Indian American women to be perfect, and our refusal to question where these expectations come from.
If you refuse to subscribe to the Perfect Indian Girl™ syndrome, there is nothing “wrong” with you. You’re actually beginning the process of unlearning white supremacy and hundreds of years of colonialism, and embracing the roots of your identity more authentically! Questioning these “cultural” expectations is actually HEALTHY! You aren’t being a “Bad” Indian. You’re becoming a more GENUINE one!
What steps can you take?
If you are an Indian American woman who struggles with Perfect Indian Girl™ syndrome, here are some things I recommend:
1.) Educate! Raise awareness about the unrealistic standards placed on Indian American women and how they can make our mental health worse. I attached some studies and scholarly articles throughout this blog post—read and share if you can!
2.) Call it out! Indian American women tend to perpetuate these unrealistic standards on other Indian American women because of internalized misogyny. If you notice this, call it out. Remember, you don’t have to be “nice”. You are allowed to ruffle feathers!
3.) Seek out support from like-minded friends. It can be hard to find Indian-American women who question the status quo. This is mostly because questioning these standards are considered taboo or “racist” by other Indian Americans who don’t accurately know their history. You can follow me on Instagram or TikTok to find like-minded individuals, or you can join this Facebook group (not run by me).
4.) Find a partner whose values are aligned with yours. Forget about finding the “perfect” husband who has the perfect job or the perfect income. While those logistics are important, it’s not as important as finding someone with emotional intelligence. You deserve somebody who doesn’t expect you to follow these harsh expectations.
5.) Find a South Asian Therapist who actually GETS IT! It’s extremely important that you find an Indian American woman therapist who doesn’t uphold the status quo and understands Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome. The right therapist can help you recognize your triggers, set boundaries, and decrease your anxiety (like me)!
Ready to be an Imperfect Indian Woman? I’m accepting new clients in New York, California, and Florida! Click below to schedule your free intro call today!