Why is it hard for Indians and South Asians to find love?
Are you dating a person or a resumé? Do dates feel like job interviews? A licensed therapist breaks it down.
When I was a kid, if my parents wanted to go watch an Indian blockbuster movie, we would go to the local movie theatre that occasionally showcased a Malayalam movie. My siblings and I would sit there bored out of our minds, falling asleep, because we couldn’t understand the language. Our parents wouldn’t even get us popcorn or candy to keep us entertained! Even movie theatre snacks were pricey back then!
But in between the action-packed stunts and musical numbers, the oddest thing would happen. Of couse there would be the storyline of the male protagonist falling in love, and when he and his love interest embraced, on the verge of kissing, it just stopped right there. They never actually kissed, but the kissing was implied.
I remember asking my dad what this was about. “Kissing isn’t allowed in Indian movies”, he said. Now I don’t know if this is actually true, or if this ever was true for Malayalam movies in particular. Perhaps my dad told me a white lie out of fear of his daughter growing up too quickly. But I do remember the message it sent: in our culture, public displays of affection, no matter how innocent and miniscule, are shameful. Even kissing is taboo.
Now, as a therapist who works with Indian and South Asian American women who struggle with dating and sexual desire, I see that this had a much broader impact. It’s not just me and my Malayali-Indian American heritage, many South Asians have received the same messaging too. In collectivist cultures like ours, we learn through context cues what behaviors are inappropriate and appropriate in our respective communities. While, “You can’t kiss anyone before marriage”, may not have been outright stated to me, my dad indirectly implied that kissing is looked down upon in our culture. We learn in indirect ways that acts of physical affection and desire are not encouraged, and not at all discussed.
At the same time, I also received mixed messages about dating and relationships from my parents. I was told for a long time that I wasn’t allowed to date before the age of 25. After sneaking around in my teen years, my parents grew to be more understanding and lowered the age to 18. But there was still some reservation. My parents were concerned that dating in college would distract me from my studies, so I wasn’t as invested in dating in college compared to high school. As I entered adulthood, the stakes of my education and job-hunting felt much higher. But on the day of graduation, my mom turned to me and said, with my diploma in hand, “It’s time to start looking”. I went from being told not to prioritize dating to now being pressured to find someone. It felt like whiplash!
Dating comes with certain rules too. It’s not enough to find a partner who loves you and you love back. The cultural norm is that love doesn’t matter, or that it might come later (with no actual guarantee). We’re told to make sure your partner has a good job, makes a lot of money, and comes from a good family. On the surface, these aren’t bad qualities to look for. But when you get down to the nitty gritty, it starts to become extremely superficial, transactional, and downright misogynistic. For instance, many people in our community believe that you won’t be able to find a “good” partner unless you’re thin. The idea is that you have to be superficial in order to get someone who meets these superficial qualities. We have been conditioned to look for a resumé, a checklist, of surface-level traits that actually say nothing about the individual person’s character. When love and physical affection isn’t allowed or talked about, you don’t know how to love, you don’t know how to feel, and you don’t know how to develop a deeper connection. You may even confuse lust with love because you never experienced the difference to know what both look like. You can’t regulate what you’re not allowed to feel.
What’s wrong with the “Competitive Dating Market”?
One of my favorite movies to watch is Polite Society. Ria seeks to stop her older sister Lena from marrying a handsome, successful Desi man, whose family may be using her for ill-intended purposes. She’s stopped by another older Desi man, who tells Ria to accept these circumstances, and that these are just the realities of the “competitive dating market”.
So often I find that this language permeates modern dating culture, both within and outside the South Asian Diaspora. Perhaps you’ve heard, “It’s a numbers game”, when people talk about their hits and misses on dating apps. Even the use of the words “competitive” and “market” implies that there is a demand and supply. The focus is on quantity over quality. People are products. This prevents us from developing a deeper connection outside of the superficial qualities that we see on a person’s profile.
Particularly within our diaspora, these words are used by matchmakers to instill fear and put pressure on singles to choose someone quickly, or else. Or else be single. Or else run out of options. Or else “your eggs are going to expire”. Or else it will be too late for you. Often the expectation is to find someone who looks good on paper: good school, good job, good family, good money, and to find someone who will make your family look good. What does “good” mean?
While the modern arranged marriage arena offers some more “choice” than centuries past, the words “No” or “I’m not interested” is often an invitation for debate. Consent is not respected in our community, and marriage is more about what other people want for you, than about what you want for yourself. This can be a traumatizing experience for many people in our diasporic cultures, especially for women and queer South Asian people who cannot come out to their families. Many South Asian women have been told by family in not so subtle ways that not getting a guy to reciprocate interest is a personal failing on their part. Many queer South Asians often feel pressured to marry the opposite gender out of fear of losing their families.
I’m not saying you’re not allowed to have standards. It’s OK if you want someone with a good job, who makes good money, and comes from a good school--if that is what YOU want, and not because of the consequences of what happens if you don’t.
The point isn’t to throw your standards entirely out the window. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t want who you want. I’m saying that it should be about what YOU want. Where does what you want end, and what other people want for you begin? What is it that YOU actually want in love and romance, and is the route you’re taking going to get you there?
How to identify what you actually want in a partner:
You don’t have to change your standards if you don’t want to. You actually don’t even have to announce your standards out loud. That’s private, and belongs to you. Not everyone needs to know, and some things are on a need-to-know basis. This is not an attack on your autonomy; this is to help you get closer to it. Your choices and preferences should be respected.
It’s important to know the difference between your standards, other people’s standards for you, and the standards that you have for other people:
Self-oriented perfectionism consists of the standards you have for yourself that you hold yourself to. You have these standards because they reflect your values for yourself, and don’t come from pressure. It’s your style of doing things.
Social-oriented perfectionism consists of the standards that other people, your family, community, culture, and society hold you to. These are expectations of social etiquette and what it means to belong to a community.
Other-oriented perfectionism consists of the standards that you hold other people to. People may have expectations in you because of the role that you carry in their lives.
None of these things are “bad” or “good”. It’s OK to hold yourself and the people around you to certain expectations, and it’s also important to know when your standards are unrealistic. Sometimes the standards that you have for other people are a reflection of the standards you put on yourself. Sometimes these standards are unkind, and can create self-defeating beliefs like:
“If I want a partner who looks this way, then I must look this way”.
“If I don’t lose x number of pounds before I turn 30, I’ll be single and alone forever”
“I would never want to be with a person who looks this way, so why would someone want to be with me?”
I’m not going to sit here and lie to you–there is some truth to these beliefs. That is the reality of the society we live in. Acknowledging reality is not the same thing as endorsing it. But take these truths with the smallest grain of salt. These truths are flexible, and are not the end-all be-all. You are not one-dimensional, and people are more understanding than you think.
Here’s how to let go of the superficial and find a deeper connection:
Identify 3-4 traits you look for in a person’s character: Think about their personality, their beliefs and values, how they treat people, how you want them to treat you. What is their outlook on life? What is their outlook on people? How do they carry themselves? What do they stand for? What are their hobbies and what do they like to do in their spare time?
Identify 3-4 dealbreakers: these can be superficial traits. This can be their income and their financial situation, or their physical appearance, their cultural and religious background, etc. Here’s where you can take what your family thinks into consideration, but that does not mean you have to. Your dealbreakers are still about you.
Think backwards: think about what you want retirement and old age to be like for you. What do you imagine yourself doing? Perhaps you’re traveling the world. Perhaps you’re spending time with kids or grandkids. Who is with you? What kind of person are they in old age? What are their hobbies? What activities do you both engage in? Think about the kind of future characteristics you want your lifelong partner to have.
What purpose does this serve? When you think about the superficial traits you look for in a partner, ask yourself, “What purpose does this serve? How will this enrich my life and my future relationship?”. For instance, will this person’s medical degree from Harvard Law bring you life satisfaction in any way, outside of the immediate and material?
You might find that a lot of the superficial traits our community taught us to look for really don’t matter in the end. Some things are nice to have, but aren’t actually indicators of healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationships in the long-term.
How do I unpack the BS that my community taught me?
Unfortunately, this mentality towards love and relationships is pervasive within our diaspora, even amongst younger and more progressive folks. This might be a hot take, but they’re not entirely wrong–just because there are problematic elements to how our cultures approach love doesn’t mean they’re never right. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Not to mention that love alone is not enough for a marriage to work–there needs to be some level of material standards to keep it going, so long as they serve a purpose.
It’s important to be wary of extremes and either-or thinking. A “Eastern = good, Western = bad” perspective is problematic. A “Western = good, Eastern = bad” perspective is problematic too. Both Western and Eastern approaches to love and relationships are not entirely separate from one another, and one can’t exist without the other anyway. The rigid rules that come with this moral hierarchy is what prevents us from being able to embrace the nuance and complexity of our own individual stories.
The Desi struggle with dating is exactly what my February 2025 Bad Indian Guide is about! In this month’s guide, I talk about all of the nuances of dating Desi, and how to navigate internal conflict with desire and meeting family expectations. Subscribe to my Bad Indian Guide and get monthly workbooks that tackle:
Perfectionism Anxiety
People-pleasing Anxiety
The Fear of Failure
What Will People Think?
Shame and self-compassion
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Psst..are you looking for 1:1 therapy? I’m a licensed therapist who works with South Asian American clients struggling with perfectionism anxiety in New York, New Jersey, Florida, and California. Book a free consultation and let’s see if I’m a good fit for you!