Why Aren't Indian People Talking About Sudiksha Konanki?
The Shame and The Silence Surrounding Traumatic Events in the Indian and South Asian Diaspora
*Content warning: This blog post mentions abduction and sexual assault. If you’re looking for more immediate support, please contact Sakhi NYC or any of the resources available at South Asian SOAR*
During Spring Break in March 2025, 20-year-old University of Pittsburgh student Sudiksha Konanki went on a trip with friends in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. On March 6th, she went missing and her parents asked for her to be declared dead on March 17th.
Immediately, the internet rolled in with its takes, but I noticed that most of them did not come from Indian or South Asian voices. Many of the people who tried to raise awareness of her disappearance were Black women and other women of color, with a handful South Asian content creators. Most of the people talking about Konanki’s disappearance were non-South Asian people of color and white people.
Additionally, many people harshly judged Konanki’s parents for requesting a formal declaration of death. Many people claimed that her parents must not care enough about her daughter to want to continue searching for her. Others claimed that they might have done it for closure. Many believed her parents “giving up” too quickly.
Many Indian and South Asian content creators chose not to speak publicly about Konanki out of respect to her family during this time. Some chose not to talk about Konanki due to the shame and the silence surrounding Konanki’s circumstances before she went missing. Out of respect to the family and to South Asian women and our dignity, I will not focus on Konanki. I will not be talking about Konanki, what she did or didn’t do, or what people think she “should have” done. Instead, I hope this blog post can open up a discussion about the silence, secrecy, and shame that surrounds traumatic events in our communities.
As a South Asian therapist who works with trauma, I’ve had many clients bring up their disappointment in how their families responded to Konanki’s case. It can be hard to find safe people to open up to about these things. This further reinforces the shame and secrecy around trauma and traumatic events, and can lead to suffering in silence and shame.
“Do Indian and South Asian people experience trauma?”
Like any group of people, Indian people and South Asian people also experience trauma and traumatic events. We are not the exception to the rule, we are the rule, just like everyone else.
Trauma and traumatic events are two different things. Trauma refers to the behaviors and emotional responses that can come from experiencing a traumatic event. These behaviors and emotional responses may look like hypervigilance, or being overly aware of your surroundings in order to protect yourself from something potentially dangerous happening, avoiding things that remind you of the traumatic events, feeling cynical and jaded about people and the world, and having nightmares and intrusive thoughts about the traumatic event, among other types of traumatic responses. This is not an exhaustive list.
Traumatic events are the kinds of events that lead to the impact of trauma. Traumatic events can include “Big T” traumatic events, or severe traumatic events that are typically associated with a PTSD diagnosis, such as sexual assault or surviving a natural disaster. They can also include “Small t” traumatic events, such as emotional neglect or verbal and mental abuse. They can even include adverse events, such as surviving poverty or racial discrimination in the workplace. Regardless of the severity of the traumatic event, it can negatively impact your mental health and well-being. Sometimes the impact is subtle and isn’t always obvious. You don’t need to have a PTSD diagnosis to have trauma or have experienced a traumatic event.
Yes, Indian and South Asian people can experience trauma and many have survived traumatic events. Even if you did not survive a traumatic or adverse event, perhaps your parents or your grandparents or your great-grandparents did. The way they interact with the world and with you can give an inside scoop into their trauma. In the world of epigenetics, this may be referred to as intergenerational trauma, and there is evidence to suggest that you can inherit these trauma patterns too, even if you did not survive a traumatic event.
Sometimes our families cope with negative events by avoiding or excusing things that remind them of trauma. This helps them not think about it and they suppress their thoughts and feelings. That makes it much harder for you to talk about and address the problems in your household and community. For example, it’s well-known that India has a sexual violence problem. Yet for Indian families living in the West, there seems to be an understanding that, “We don’t talk about that here”. Or that when traumatic events happen to women, there’s a general belief that she must have “disobeyed” her parents and “dishonored” her family. Your family might deflect blame and responsibility onto the survivor rather than the abuser to avoid thinking about the emotional severity of what happened.
In high-context cultures, the way that your family talks about traumatic events can indirectly communicate to you what is acceptable and unacceptable, and who is expected to carry the burden of shame. Perhaps your parents have made some passing judgements to you about the behavior of other people in the community. This might have been how you learned that divorce is “bad” and that engaging with the opposite gender isn’t good for “optics”. Perhaps this is how you learned that women who drink or travel with friends are “disobeying” their parents.
At a community level, there are many reasons why we don’t talk about these traumatic events. Part of the reason why we don’t talk about them is because of the myth of the model minority. We like to think that we are culturally exceptional, and that our people can’t do “bad” things, so therefore bad things can and won’t happen to us. This is not unlike the Just World Theory: the belief that bad things only happen to you if you did something bad, and that bad things won’t happen to you if you don’t do something bad. This gives us a false sense of control over our destiny and safety. So when we hear news about traumatic events happening to an Indian person, we prefer to believe that they must have done something bad to deserve it: engaging in foul play, drinking, smoking, or doing things that are considered culturally unacceptable, such as engaging in premarital sexual activity or not being “covered”. The underlying message is that “good” Indian kids NEVER do those kinds of things; therefore, bad things don’t happen to us. We don’t want to accept that these problems are happening in our communities, because what might that say about us? We tend to associate actions with identity. If bad things are happening in our community, then that must mean that our community is “bad”. The last thing we want is to feel ashamed about our problems, even when they’re not specific to us. Actions ≠ identity.
Another reason why we don’t talk about traumatic events in our communities is because of the fear of “What will people think/say?”. In this case, the fear is, “What will outside people think/say?”. We tend to believe that we need to have a squeaky-clean reputation in order to protect ourselves from racism. As a result, we’re hesitant to openly discuss our problems.
If you’re Indian or South Asian American, these are the reasons why you might live a double life. You are hiding the “bad” things that you know will be used against you. There’s the life that you have at home, and then there’s the life that you have outside of the home and community. You don’t get to be your whole, complete self in family and cultural spaces, or be open and honest with your family about your social life. You hide things you were taught to be ashamed of that aren’t actually “bad” for you. This applies to relatively innocuous things, like the kind of clothing you wear, or even recreational activities. You might also hide the actual bad things that happened to you as well, because you know that the people around you won’t be supportive.
Maybe you have been open about your experiences, and people in our community weren’t supportive. Perhaps family and friends didn’t know what to say. Perhaps your parents insinuated that you’re now “damaged goods” and that “no one will want you” because of what someone else did to you. Perhaps friends took the side of your abuser. In case no one else told you, you are not damaged goods, and you are lovable. You are not responsible for what someone else did to you. You are also deserving of a supportive and encouraging community!
“How do I actually heal from trauma?”
The best way to heal from trauma will always be individual therapy with a culturally competent and trauma-informed therapist. With the right therapist, you can have a safe and secure place to safely uncover trauma wounds and learn new ways of responding to past, present, and future triggers. Individual therapy can help you get deeper with your understanding of your experiences, and how to overcome them.
But individual therapy has its own limitations. In a privatized healthcare system, many people cannot afford individual therapy, or the right therapist may be inaccessible due to state licensing laws. Additionally, individual therapy places the onus of responsibility on the survivor to heal. One of the most common things I hear from South Asian survivors is, “It’s not fair that I have to be the one to heal and no one else around me has to change!”. And I agree–it’s not fair. You’re not the one who caused the hurt, you were on the receiving end of the pain. It’s not fair that the people who caused you pain or were complicit in your pain are choosing not to self-reflect and work on themselves.
Individual therapy can also reinforce toxic individualism. There’s nothing wrong with being your own person, but sometimes individual therapy can reinforce the idea that you can only rely on yourself and no one else. For many Indian and South Asian Americans who have survived traumatic events, this can reinforce the belief that you can’t trust anyone in your family and community. While that may be true in your immediate circumstances, that doesn’t have to be true for the rest of your life.
Group therapy can help you connect with your culture and your community without the harsh judgment. In group therapy, you’re not healing in isolation. You’re healing alongside other people who share similar life experiences. Those people can also share many of the same identities as you. And because you’re healing together, it helps you feel less alone.
Group therapy is when more than one client is meeting with a therapist to process shared experiences. This might involve facilitating deep emotional and interpersonal connection between group members, and these kinds of therapy groups are called process groups. Sometimes group therapy may involve the camaraderie of learning new techniques and skills together, which is called a skills-based group. When it comes to surviving trauma, you might find that process groups are best because they help you process the emotions such as shame, grief, and resentment. Unlike individual therapy, group therapy doesn’t require you to go deeper into your traumatic experiences, or talk about them at all. Rather, you’re processing the emotional responses that may keep you isolated from the positive support system you need.
“How are your groups different from other therapy groups?”
There are so many different kinds of groups out there! Perhaps you’ve seen South Asian therapists host men’s groups and women’s groups. You might be hesitant to join group therapy because you don’t want to spill your trauma in front of a whole bunch of strangers. Perhaps you’re a little uncertain of healing alongside a cultural community that is stereotypically known for being conservative and judgemental. Perhaps you’re worried that not everyone will get a turn to speak.
Group therapy is not a group interview. You’re not competing for the group therapist’s attention, or trying to impress anyone. I’m mindful of these hesitations, and I foster communication and track verbal and nonverbal communication between group members to facilitate healthy dialogue. This helps with consciousness raising. Consciousness raising is the activity of making people more aware of personal, social, or political issues. With consciousness raising, I build understanding and connection that can help you and group members feel connected to each other.
But what if being in “community” with other South Asians has never been safe for you? While some people enjoy being in shared spaces with other people of their culture, this might not be the case for you and that’s OK. Would it feel safer if you knew that everyone in the room has had the same experience as you and feels the same way?
Here’s why group therapy is different with me:
Everyone in the group has the same or similar experiences as you: I'm not going to throw you in a room with a bunch of random people who invalidate your experience
You don't have to talk about what happened to heal: you don’t have to share your trauma during the first group session, if at all.
It won't get too deep in the beginning: you’ll find that I’m doing most of the talking during the first few sessions as you and other group members warm up to each other.
You can learn how to TRUST people of your culture again: if being around South Asian people never felt safe for you, group therapy with me can give you the opportunity to see things differently, and learn that not everyone is as judgmental or as narrow-minded as your community was to you.
You feel less alone healing in community: If you’re feeling stuck in individual therapy, there’s a reason for that. Healing in individual therapy involves challenging long-held habits, and that can come with risk-taking that feels scary. Healthy risk-taking requires that you have a supportive and encouraging community behind you to let you know that things will be OK no matter what. When you heal in community, you feel supported to take those healthy risks for yourself.
You don’t have to be “in community” with the people who hurt you, AND you need to trust that you can rely on people. You get to CHOOSE who your community is.
I get that “community” hasn’t always been safe. I work with South Asian survivors just like you who also feel the same way. Now I can sit here and say that you’re not alone until I’m blue in the face, but you might not truly believe me. Let me show you what healing in a community actually looks like. Join my group therapy program: