For Brown Girls with Complicated Mother-Daughter Relationships
Are you your mom’s wildest dreams?
In 2023, I posted this reel on Instagram and TikTok and so many South Asian women who resonated with the message shared their experiences. For many of us, our mothers can be our own worst critic, sometimes even more than our fathers.
I love my mom very much. She is the sweetest, most giving person you will ever meet, almost to a fault. There have been many moments in her life when she was deeply unhappy with the way life turned out. Growing up, I could see how hard it was for her to be strong, giving, perfect.
While my pursuits as an Indian American woman have frustrated her, they also challenged and reshaped her worldview over the years. I’ll never forget the most memorable moment in our relationship. One night, I called her crying, stressed out about my career, and she told me, “Go confidently in your direction…you got yourself to New York. If you can do that, you can do this”. This from the same mom who didn’t understand why I wanted to be a therapist. She suddenly had more faith in me than I did in myself!
My mom believes in me and what I’m capable of. I’m sure many Indian and South Asian moms feel the same way about their daughters. But sometimes, that can come at a cost. What happens when our mothers believe in our career and educational endeavors, but haven’t unlearned other misogynistic expectations in our culture?
South Asian Moms and Gender Expectations
The day I graduated with my master’s, my mom and I were walking out of the ceremony. My mom asked me, with my diploma in hand, "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No"
"Well, start looking".
My whole life my mom frowned upon dating. She expressed that it's a distraction from education and career, and that I should focus on my studies and get a job before dating. Now that I was graduating, I was expected to magically whip up Mr. Right while looking for a job. I went from being told that dating is a "bad" choice to now being pressured to look. According to my mom’s worldview, I should be able to do it all, and the clock is ticking. I have had more opportunities than her, so I should be able to do what she did.
Many South Asian moms expect their daughters to take advantage of the economic and educational opportunities that America has to offer, but to continue to observe socially conservative values about marriage and motherhood. They expect us to put up with what they put up with, plus do more. We’re supposed to “adjust” and make it work. But no one else is asked to adjust and make things easier for us.
What is Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome?
As Brown women, we’re expected to be “good”. We have to get married and have kids at a “good” time. We have to make our family look “good” in the eyes of the community. “Good” is often the euphemism for “right” or “perfect”. This creates a culture that’s all about being exceptional.
This is what I like to call Perfect Indian Girl™ syndrome, a term I personally coined myself. Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome is the perfectionism and people-pleasing anxiety that Indian women experience as a result of Good Girl Conditioning. This Good Girl Conditioning is a result of historical, societal, and geo-political forces that play out in our interpersonal interaction with family, friends, career, and dating.
The people who teach us how to be Perfect Indian Girls™? Our moms. Women are the symbols of a culture. When we think of a culture, we think of:
Food. Who typically cooks the food? Who makes it authentic and homemade?
Clothing. Who typically wears cultural clothing? Who typically makes it and styles it?
Family values and child-rearing. Who ensures that values are instilled in the children? Who watches them and feeds them? Takes after their schooling and keeps up with their appointments?
Customs. Whose family plans the wedding? The traditions? Whose responsibility is it to keep the culture alive, to keep the culture in mind for personal decision-making?
Community. Who is responsible for taking care of the community? Who’s expected to be “community-oriented”? Who is responsible to sacrifice personal needs in the name of community?
Most, if not all, of these people are women. Brown women are expected to be the perfect martyrs for the community. We’re expected to carry the culture on our backs, and if we fall short of these expectations or don’t make the “right” choice, we’re not “Brown enough”. That was the role assigned to our mothers, and they expect us to follow in their footsteps.
The Mental Health Impact on Brown Moms and Daughters
Women are not robots. We’re also human beings with our own unique desires, dreams, and needs. Our autonomy deserves to be respected. This is a wild concept for many and that’s why you are your mother’s wildest dreams. In fact, she might push back against your personal decision-making because she can’t fathom how your decision is even possible. You’re coming up against her own self-defeating beliefs.
There’s a cost that comes with trying to be the “good” girl:
Suppressed rage that can often come out as uncontrollable outbursts
The allostatic load of stress on the body.
Increased anxiety, panic, and difficulty controlling worry
Rumination, dwelling, and thought-spiraling
Compulsive behaviors in an effort to control your thought spirals
Crash dieting and eating disorders
Insecurity in body, self, and relationships
Trouble letting go and being authentic or genuine
Freezing up during sex, or sexual pain
Feeling inadequate or unlovable
Feeling like a burden if you’re not “good enough”
Many Brown women have told me that they struggle with at least one of the above, and it’s often related to the unrealistic expectations that society puts on us and difficulty in our relationships with our moms. Our moms carry these societal expectations and project them onto us.
As a licensed therapist who works with Brown women experiencing these conflicts with their moms, I know not everyone is fortunate to have understanding moms who actually communicate directly and calmly. Many Indian and Desi Americans have emotionally immature moms, some bordering on narcissistic, who are consistently inconsistent. The expectations are never clear, but their angry reactions and impulsivity always are.
It's hard to know what you actually want because of this pressure from mom to make the "right" choice (while never being clear about what the "right" choice actually is). It's hard to know if you're choosing someone or something for yourself, or for your mom. Are these your dreams or your mom’s dreams?
How to navigate Relationships with Your Mom
Not every Brown mom is the same. But if you find it helpful, here’s what worked for me and for my clients:
Practicing mindfulness to build patience: Setting boundaries requires a lot of patience and an increased tolerance for emotions, especially frustration. Practicing mindfulness helped build patience when things didn’t resolve right away.
Coming right out and saying it: Sometimes the shame of hiding a secret is heavier than the fear of conflict and confrontation. Ask yourself, is it better to tell your mom something now, or not at all? The answer depends on your unique situation.
Extended conversations with my mom: As moms get older, you may have to repeat your boundary and your decision over and over. This is where patience and mindfulness help with staying consistent.
Meeting her where she’s at: It’s not your job to change your mom’s beliefs, and your decisions should not be contingent on whether or not she agrees. At the same time, you might have to bridge cultural and generational gaps in understanding. You’re not trying to change her mind; you’re planting seeds.
Knowing the difference between emotions and reactions: Your mom is entitled to her feelings. She has the right to be angry, upset, and disappointed. Her emotions are valid and they belong to her. However, your mom does not have the right to react poorly. Feeling your emotions and acting on emotions are two different things.
How Therapy Can Help You Navigate Mother-Daughter Relationships
I know navigating mother-daughter conflict is easier said than done for Perfect Indian Girls™ and Brown girls. These situations require nuance, context, and attention to detail that culturally-responsive individual therapy can give, along with the guidance of a culturally sensitive mental health professional (like me)!
Looking for mental health support from a therapist who gets it? I work with Perfect Indian Girls™ just like you who feel frustrated with their moms. Book your free consultation below and let’s see if I’m a good fit for your needs!
Hi there! I’m Tracy and I call myself The Bad Indian Therapist!
I help Brown women who struggle with chronic guilt, shame, and self-abandonment in their relationships stop letting cultural guilt and shame take the wheel and embrace your desires!
If you’ve been questioning the things you’ve been told, you’ve come to the right place! Book your free intro call to start your therapy journey today!