For Brown Girls Who Have Complicated Relationships with Their Moms
Are you your mom’s wildest dreams?
In 2023, I posted this reel on Instagram and TikTok and so many South Asian women who resonated with the message shared their experiences. For many of us, our mothers can be our own worst critic, sometimes even more than our fathers. This can be surprising, because you’d think that misogynistic expectations would come from men, but women can often be the ones who uphold patriarchal values. Our mothers are no exception.
I love my mom very much. My mom deeply cares about other people. She’s a nurse who has worked nights since she had us in order to make sure that someone was home to watch us when dad was at work during the day, but even though we’re all adults now, she continues to do so because she wants to help. In fact, my mom was presented with an award from her hospital for her compassionate work. She even donates to a rice charity in India every year.
She is the sweetest, most giving person you will ever meet–almost to a fault. She can be really innocent and unawares (in a mildly annoying way). And there have been many moments in her life when she was deeply unhappy with the way life turned out. Growing up, I was her confidante, and she would tell me how defeated, unappreciated, and stuck she felt as a woman and a mother; how hard it was for her to be strong, giving, perfect. When our mothers aren’t given the outlet to process the compulsory martyrdom that comes with being a woman in our culture, and when they’re not given many options, they’re bound to lash out. But they’ll often lash out by taking it out on their kids. Because of this, our moms can struggle with emotional immaturity. Emotional immaturity is defined as the lack of emotional regulation and a difficulty to consider others’ feelings. They can struggle with poor impulse control and blame others for their problems. It is not a diagnosis, and it’s not a static trait, but rather a spectrum of behaviors. Emotional immaturity can usually be the result of unprocessed trauma and few support systems. South Asian moms can struggle with emotional immaturity because they haven’t been given options outside of the self-sacrificing maternal role.
Like many South Asian moms, my mom can be emotionally immature in some ways, but she is not a "bad" mom or "toxic" by any means. I’m lucky she’s someone who has made an effort to try and be more understanding compared to most moms in our community. I attribute that to my mom’s empathy. While my pursuits as an Indian American woman have frustrated her, they also challenged and reshaped her worldview over the years. My mother has demonstrated her capacity to change. She might not 100% change her mind about things, but I also know that I am her wildest dreams.
I’ll never forget the most memorable moment in our relationship. One night, I called her crying, stressed out about my career, and she told me, “Go confidently in your direction…you got yourself to New York. If you can do that, you can do this”. This from the same mom who didn’t understand why I wanted to be a therapist. She suddenly had more faith in me than I did in myself!
My mom believes in me and what I’m capable of. I’m sure many Indian and South Asian moms feel the same way about their daughters. But sometimes, that can come at a cost. What happens when our mothers believe in our career and educational endeavors, but haven’t unlearned other misogynistic expectations in our culture? There is the pressure to be perfect.
South Asian Moms and Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome:
The day I graduated with my master’s, my mom and I were walking out of the ceremony. My mom asked me, with my diploma in hand, "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No"
"Well, start looking".
My whole life my mom frowned upon dating, even though I did it anyway. She expressed that it's a distraction from education and career, and that I should focus on my studies and get a job before dating. But the truth is that my mom also has extremely traditional views about marriage and motherhood. Now that I was graduating, I was expected to magically whip up Mr. Right while looking for a job. I went from being told that dating is a "bad" choice to now being pressured to look. According to my mom’s worldview, I should be able to do it all, and the clock is ticking. I have had more opportunities than her, so I should be able to do what she did.
Many South Asian moms expect their daughters to take advantage of the economic and educational opportunities that America has to offer, but to continue to observe socially conservative values about marriage and motherhood. They expect us to put up with what they put up with, plus do more. But it’s next to impossible to be #1 in both career and motherhood. Nevermind that dating is a full-time job on top of a full-time job. We’re supposed to “adjust” and make it work. But no one else is asked to adjust and make things easier for us.
As South Asian women, we’re expected to be “good”. We are expected to be “good” daughters, “good” sisters, “good” wives, and “good” mothers” who make “good” choices. We have to get a “good” education, get into a “good” school, get a “good” degree, get a “good” job, make “good” money, and find a “good” man. We have to get married and have kids at a “good” time. We have to make our family look “good” in the eyes of the community. “Good” is often the euphemism for “right” or “perfect”. In shame-based cultures like ours, we rely on a rigid moral hierarchy of “good” versus “bad”, with very little flexibility or anything in-between. So anything less than “good” is “bad”. This creates a culture that’s all about being exceptional.
We are expected to be perfect. This is what I like to call Perfect Indian Girl™ syndrome for particularly women of Indian descent. Perfect Indian Girl™ Syndrome is the perfectionism and people-pleasing anxiety that Indian women experience as a result of Good Girl Conditioning. This Good Girl Conditioning is a result of historical, societal, and geo-political forces that play out in our interpersonal interaction with family, friends, career, and dating.
The people who teach us how to be Perfect Indian Girls™ and who reinforce its importance are our mothers. Women are the symbols of a culture. What do I mean by this? Well, when you think of an ethnicity or culture, what comes to mind?
Food. Who typically cooks the food? Who typically makes it authentic and homemade? Clothing. Who typically wears the clothing? Who typically makes it and styles it?
Family values and child-rearing. Who ensures that values are instilled in the children? Who watches them and feeds them? Takes after their schooling and keeps up with their appointments?
Customs. Who’s planning the wedding? The traditions? Whose responsibility is it to keep the culture alive, to keep the culture on the forefront of their minds in any and all personal decision-making?
Community. Who is responsible for taking care of the community? Who’s expected to be “community-oriented”? Who is responsible to sacrifice personal needs in the name of community?
Most, if not all, of these people are women. Indian and South Asian women are expected to be the perfect martyrs for the community. We’re expected to carry the culture on our backs, and if we fall short of these expectations or don’t make the “right” choice, we’re not “Brown enough”. That was the role assigned to our mothers, and they expect us to follow in their footsteps. We are expected to sacrifice our needs and desires for the greater good of the community, all while being “good”.
This is not a coincidence. It’s all by design. In his book, The Karma of Brown Folk, Vijay Prashad details the internal and external conflict that first generation Desi women in America face when confronted with unrealistic expectations to be successful in the public world, but domesticated wives in the home. For many South Asian American women and men, there is the divide between the Occident and the Orient. The Occident represents everything the Western world has to offer: career, education, individualism, and capitalism. The Orient represents the stereotypes of the Eastern world: spirituality, socially conservative family values, religion, gender roles and expectations. This is why so many of us struggle with feeling “culturally enough”: we are stuck between the Occident and the Orient. We are supposed to take advantage of the best of both worlds. For South Asian women, you’re supposed to be successful in both the Orient and the Occident. While it sounds nice in theory, it has never been realistic. And it comes at a cost to your mental health and well-being.
The Mental Health Implications of being the Perfect Indian Girl™ or South Asian woman:
Women are not robots. We’re also human beings with our own unique desires, dreams, and needs. Our autonomy deserves to be respected. This is a wild concept for many and that’s why you are your mother’s wildest dreams. In fact, she might push back against your personal decision-making because she can’t fathom how your decision is even possible. You’re coming up against her own self-defeating beliefs.
While many like to pretend that striving for exceptionalism is easy, it’s not. There’s a cost that comes with trying to be the “good” girl:
Suppressed rage that can often come out as uncontrollable outbursts
The allostatic load of stress on the body.
Increased anxiety, panic, and difficulty controlling worry
Rumination, dwelling, and thought-spiraling
Compulsive behaviors in an effort to control your thought spirals
Crash dieting and disordered eating
Insecurity in body, self, and relationships
Trouble letting go and being authentic or genuine
Freezing up during sex, or sexual pain
Feeling inadequate or unlovable
Feeling like a burden if you’re not “good enough”
Difficulty in relationships, particularly with parents
Do these sound familiar? You’re not alone. Many Indian and South Asian women have told me that they struggle with at least one of the above, and it’s often related to the unrealistic expectations that society puts on us and difficulty in our relationships with our moms. Our moms carry these societal expectations and project them onto us.
As a licensed therapist who works with Perfect Indian Girls™ and South Asian women experiencing these internal and external conflicts with their moms, I know not everyone is fortunate to have understanding moms who actually communicate directly and calmly. Many Indian and Desi Americans have emotionally immature moms, some bordering on narcissistic, who are consistently inconsistent. The expectations are never clear, but their angry reactions and impulsivity always are.
It's hard to know what you actually want because of this pressure from mom to make the "right" choice (while never being clear about what the "right" choice actually is). It's hard to know if you're choosing someone or something for yourself, or for your mom. Are these your dreams or your Mom’s dreams?
How do we navigate perfectionism and our relationships with our moms?
What makes working on our perfectionism anxiety so hard is the toxic guilt in our relationship with our parents. Guilt is not a bad emotion to have, but toxic guilt can lead you to feel bad about things that aren’t actually bad for you. For instance, you might feel bad that you turned down mom’s request to talk to that guy from Shaadi.com, but there’s nothing wrong with you honoring that he might not be the kind of person you’re interested in getting to know–it’s nothing personal against him. But your mom may make you feel bad for saying no because she’s taken on the task of finding someone for you; therefore, you might feel like you’re making the “wrong” choice.
For many Indian and South Asian daughters, the guilt that comes with not making the “right” choice is related to our fear of disappointing them. For some of us, we know that we are our moms’ last hope, and that we can bring them happiness. So we make the “right” choices to make them happy. Some South Asian women have relationships with emotionally immature moms who are predictably unpredictable with their emotional reactions, and they can be abusive. If this is you, you might be guilted into making the “right” choice if it means keeping her emotional, verbal, or even physical abuse at bay.
We are not a monolith, and I can’t speak for every South Asian woman. These are generalizations after all. But if you find it helpful, here’s what worked for me:
Practicing mindfulness to build patience: I accepted that my mom won’t change overnight, if at all. That didn’t stop me from pursuing my goals, or asserting my boundaries. This required a lot of patience and an increased tolerance for emotions, especially frustration. Practicing mindfulness helped me tolerate frustration when things didn’t resolve right away.
Coming right out and saying it: Instead of beating around the bush, I told my mom exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want to hide things from my mom, and I wanted her to know exactly what I was thinking, even if it upset her. That way, at least I could live with the peace of knowing that at least she knows. I realize that this may not be possible for everyone, but it was possible for me. I told my mom I don’t want kids and that I’m not religious. To this day, it’s hard for her to sit with, but at least she’s been made aware, and it’s not a secret I’m hiding from her.
Extended conversations with my mom: the reality is that I have to repeat what I said to my mom, multiple times. This is because she has trouble coming to terms with some of my decisions. She’s going through her own emotional process of acceptance. It’s also because she’s older, and older people tend to forget details. So I do have to remind my mom often about my decisions. This is where patience and mindfulness help me with staying consistent.
Meeting her where she’s at: It’s not my job to change my mom’s beliefs. My decisions aren’t contingent on whether or not my mom agrees with them, and my mom should not have to change her belief system for me to make the best decisions for myself. At the same time, I have to bridge the cultural and generational gaps in understanding, and that means meeting her where she’s at. I’m not trying to change her mind; I’m trying to plant seeds.
Knowing the difference between emotions and reactions: this is a hot take, but my mom is entitled to her emotions. She has the right to be angry, upset, and disappointed with my decisions. Her emotions are valid and they belong to her. It’s not my job to change or deny how she feels. However, my mom does not have the right to react poorly, and I’m not responsible for how she chooses to react. Feeling your emotions and acting on emotions are two different things. You are responsible for how you make people feel, but you are not responsible for how they choose to react.
I’m not out-of-touch: I know that this is easier said than done for Perfect Indian Girls™ who struggle with perfectionism anxiety and toxic guilt in their relationships with their moms. These situations require nuance, context, and attention to detail.
Let's sparse this out together! I just launched my perfectionism anxiety lesson in my toxic guilt course, and I break this down step-by-step!
Have you enrolled in my Toxic Guilt Course yet?
I’ll teach you what worked for me and my Perfect Indian Girl™ clients over the years! Together we’ll…
Stop guilt-tripping yourself
Trust yourself and your intuition
Communicate with mom better
Set boundaries with yourself
Challenge negative beliefs about being “good”
Plus it comes with additional stuff like THREE (3) FREE office hours calls with me during:
The beginning of your enrollment
The middle of the course
Upon completion of the course
So I can help you stay on track and answer any questions you might have!
You’ll get 27 lessons, 9 workbooks, and 3 office hours calls with me, all for a total of $60 (that’s a total of $1.53 per goodie)!
Enroll in my course today and let’s be “BAD” together!
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