Do Indian People Have Perfectionism Anxiety?
What is perfectionism anxiety, and do Indian people have it?
Did you know that I originally “wanted” to be a pharmacist? I put “wanted” in quotation marks because I thought that was what I should want. My parents always told me that this would be the best career field for me, so therefore, I should want this for myself. But I didn’t really know what I wanted at the time. I was still figuring out my career goals. I couldn’t admit that to myself because it didn’t seem like the “right” way to go through college.
I actually did really well in my science and math classes. I excelled in my study groups for calculus (don’t ask me to do a differential equation now, though). Then the worst things that could possibly happen, happened:
Organic Chemistry. And Physics.
These two classes were absolutely horrible and set me back! I was on academic probation the first semester of junior year of college. I had a mid-college crisis. I thought I had failed. That was the wake-up call I needed to realize that actually, I had no passion for the sciences whatsoever. I took my first Gender and Women’s Studies course and learned about feminist movements all over the world. I developed a passion for learning about social issues that affect women and I changed my major.
But my negative belief, “I failed”, only became worse. I hid my grades and my change in major from my parents, so it wasn’t until graduation that my parents found out. My dad threw a very public fit in the middle of our celebratory lunch. I was embarrassed and ashamed, and I really thought that my parents were going to disown me. I thought I did something wrong. I was the imperfect daughter who brought shame to the family.
When I entered grad school, I explored the possibility that these fears fuel my perfectionism. My friends pointed out that I’m pretty particular about how I do things, and that I’m extremely hard on myself to make things work. These are relatively innocuous traits. Part of this was because my parents were against my pursuing therapy as a career field, so I had to prove to them that this was the “right” choice. I didn’t think I was perfect at all–far from it! I expected myself to always make the “right” choices, and overcompensate for my less than perfect ones, so that meant going above and beyond. If I didn’t, I struggled with negative beliefs like, “I failed” or “I’m not good enough”. I had perfectionism anxiety even though I didn’t think I was “perfect”.
Some popular reddit threads under the ABCD community explore whether or not Desi people struggle with perfectionism anxiety. Books and memoirs talk about the pressure that’s on South Asian people to be exceptional. Clearly I wasn’t the only one facing this pressure. So do Indian people have perfectionism anxiety, and what makes it unique to us?
What is Perfectionism Anxiety?
Perfectionism anxiety is the anxiety that comes with having high standards for yourself, and it often involves the chase of unrealistic standards of being “good”, “successful”, or “on top of things”. It can be very subjective depending on what your idea of “perfect” is, and depending on different areas in your life, such as your career, education, body image, nutrition, family relationships, dating, money, etc. For many people who come from collectivist cultures with rigid moral hierarchies, “good” often means “perfect”. For many Indian people, there is an emphasis on being “good”, and that anything short of good can be “bad”.
Sometimes perfectionism anxiety can look like a fear of making mistakes, criticism, experiencing self-doubt, or even having high expectations in others AND yourself. Does this sound familiar? These aren’t uncommon in a community that cares so much about, “What will people think?”
“Perfectionism Anxiety” is not a clinical diagnosis or clinical jargon. It’s a term that’s commonly used on social media or in pop psychology. There are many social media accounts, including mine, that talk about perfectionism anxiety. But, there’s still a lot of research on it. A study as far back as 1997 found that perfectionism is a more relevant construct in the study of anxiety than public self-consciousness, particularly with social anxiety. Another study in 2001 found that aspects of perfectionism can be related to both anxiety and depression in different ways, with OCD and PTSD having a significant relationship between perfectionism and both depression and anxiety. While perfectionism can be an adaptive coping skill for those with PTSD to protect themselves from future harm, perfectionism may not be an adaptive coping skill for people with social anxiety and OCD. People with social anxiety are more likely to have their perfectionism be related to anxiety than depression, compared to OCD and PTSD.
Perfectionism is not an uncommon trait or quality for many anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorders. That’s because sometimes perfectionism can be driven by a fear of consequences as the motivating factor. But that doesn’t mean it’s actually motivating. This fear can be debilitating, and while it may serve a purpose for you, it can also hold you back. People with perfectionism anxiety may have a hard time letting their guard down, embracing the unknown, and enjoying the moment. For some people in our diaspora, this can make us appear uptight or “uppity”.
What does perfectionism anxiety look like in the Indian Diaspora?
In an earlier blog post I wrote about how perfectionism impacts our ability to find healthy, loving relationships, I detailed the three different types of perfectionism:
Self-oriented perfectionism: the standards you have for yourself
Social-oriented perfectionism: the standards other people have for you
Other-oriented perfectionism: the standards you have for other people
In our collectivist cultures, perfectionism can often be social-oriented and other-oriented. Because so much of our standards are influenced by what other people expect of us, it’s hard to know what we want for ourselves.
There are also many interpersonal dynamics and sociopolitical influences that contribute to perfectionism. For one, there’s a special kind of guilt that comes with having immigrant parents who made a lot of sacrifices for us to be here. It’s not exactly like they came here with wealth or an inheritance. For many of our parents, they lost everything in their homeland, and that’s why they had to leave. They sought out a better life for them and their future kids. So we put pressure on ourselves to work exceptionally hard, or to be “good” children, in order to prove to them that their sacrifices were worth it and make their lives easier.
In addition, there’s also the Model Minority Myth. The myth of the model minority believes that some racial minority groups are exceptional examples of what people of color should be: hard-working, resilient, and able to persist despite the odds. The Model Minority myth creates the illusion that Asians don’t really experience racism or hardships because of our success and accomplishments. It doesn’t just apply to career or education either. The myth of the model minority is also used to justify that Asian Americans are “culturally superior” in other areas: family, marriage, and child-rearing. You know how some people believe that Indian people “don’t get divorced”? The myth of the model minority contributes to this belief.
The Model Minority Myth is used to justify discrimination against Black and Latin American communities, and pits us against each other. Also, it has harmful mental health side effects for Asian Americans. Not all Asian Americans come from wealth, have “successful” jobs, or even live here legally. In particular for South Asians, this myth causes people to think that the accomplishments of a few Indian people not only represent all Indian people, but also represent all South Asians. But the plight of Bangladeshi, Pakistani, Nepalese, and Sri Lankan people are never spoken about. What about those of us who are cab drivers, farmers, motel and gast station owners, or self-employed? Or those of us who are divorced, undocumented, or don’t have a higher education? Are we not a “good” example of what it means to be “Indian”? Do we not belong?
Because of both the interpersonal family dynamics and the sociopolitical influences, there are a lot of expectations on Indian Americans to be perfect, otherwise you don’t have value, or you don’t bring anything worthwhile to society. This can create an over-reliance on stereotypes of “Brown Excellence” to have a sense of self. What does it mean to be Indian outside of your relationships to family, institutions, and accomplishments? Who are YOU?
Because of this co-dependency with “Brown Excellence”, we may have a strong fear of making mistakes. We think admitting to mistakes is “bad” or shameful, so we avoid trying anything new, or going out on a limb, out of fear of fucking up. Some of us grew up in households where disagreements led to intense conflict, and criticism was often harassment. As a result, we might have a fear of criticism because we associate all critique as an attack, OR we think all criticism is valid on our journey towards “self-improvement”.
In a community that’s all about, “Log kya kahenge?”, it’s easy to not only judge yourself, but also judge other Indian people for not living up to these unrealistic standards. We often treat our own worse than we treat other people. You might experience this from other Indian people too. As a result, it’s easy to doubt yourself, and think you must be doing something “wrong” because it’s not what other Indian people would do. In this way, it’s really hard to trust your gut when it comes to making decisions that are good for you. Social-oriented and other-oriented perfectionism can contribute to toxic guilt. Toxic guilt is when you’ve been conditioned to feel guilty for things that aren’t actually bad for you, or when you overestimate your level of responsibility in wrongdoing. Because perfectionism can lead to having high standards in yourself, you may overestimate your responsibility and your capacity for wrong-doing.
How can I work on my perfectionism anxiety?
Indian people are not a monolith, and working on perfectionism anxiety looks different for everyone. Let me tell you a little bit about my journey, and what I did to become a “Bad” Indian”:
Stopped “must”-erbating! I stopped “shoulding” myself so much. I had to figure out if my standards for myself were actually realistic, or if these expectations were placed onto me by my family, culture, and society.
Unmodeled minority myself: I was getting really sick of the stereotype that Indian people are just “naturally good at math and science”. While I did succeed in some areas, it wasn’t without support from study groups with people who weren’t South Asian. Pursuing a different career path allowed me to make my own decisions for who I wanted to be. No one else in my extended family pursued this career before, so while there was pressure to pave my own path, I wasn’t being compared to anyone else. So I got to call the shots for what I wanted to do with my degree.
Did 1 less thing every day: There’s so much pressure to do everything and be everything. I dread feeling like I have to complete everything or else I’ll be behind. So I started sending one less email everyday, and promising myself that I’ll make that the first thing that I do the next morning. Guess what? The world didn’t end because I held off one email.
Defined MY idea of “success”: What does “success” actually mean? Who was I outside of my relationship to career, institutions, and family? I learned that I had to define myself based on my character and interests outside of status symbols. Instead of, “I’m Tracy Vadakumchery, and I’m a Malayali-Catholic Indian American with a master’s degree from Columbia University”, I became, “I’m Tracy, and I’m adventurous, silly, and inquisitive!” I learned to have a personality outside of my cultural identity.
Formed a diverse social support system: Most of my friends are people of color, but they’re not South Asian. Being friends with people who are culturally different from me meant that I was less likely to be judged for my career choices. I know in many Indian circles, people usually introduce each other by their career first. Making friends often feels like professional networking and it comes off inauthentic. Branching out and making friends with Black and other people of color helped me get in touch with who I actually am.
Allowed my parents to be mad: My parents are entitled to their own feelings. They’re adults who have been through so much worse than I have and can cope. I’m not saying this is easy. I’ve dealt with my parents giving me the silent treatment. To this day they’ll still say, “Whatever. You do what you want. It’s not like you listen to us anyway”. And I just let them be mad. You know why? Because they’ll be in their feelings for 24 hours and then they move on. They come back to it, and then they move on. They get upset again, and they move on. I’m OK with people thinking that I’m the “bad daughter” because I know my parents don’t actually think I’m a bad daughter, and I’ve helped my family in other ways. I care about their opinions, but that doesn’t make them the end-all, be-all decision-makers.
As a licensed therapist, I know this is easier said than done. It’s hard to unmodel minority yourself when so much of your perfectionism anxiety is related to the guilt that comes with being an adult child of immigrants, and the toxic guilt of going against cultural norms.
That’s why I launched my perfectionism anxiety lesson in my toxic guilt course to help you unpack family, cultural, AND societal expectations about what it means to be a “good” Indian.
I’ll teach you what worked for me and for my clients over the years! Together we’ll…
Stop guilt-tripping yourself
Trust yourself and your intuition
Communicate better
Set boundaries with yourself
Challenge negative beliefs about belonging
In addition you’ll get THREE (3) FREE office hours calls with me during:
The beginning of your enrollment
The middle of the course
Upon completion of the course
So I can help you stay on track and answer any questions you might have!
You’ll get 27 lessons, 9 workbooks, and 3 office hours calls with me, all for a total of $60 (that’s a total of $1.53 per goodie)!
Enroll in my course today and let’s be “BAD” together!
Got questions about my course? Comment below or email me at info@thebadindiantherapist.com!