Why Boundary Setting Looks a Little Different When You’re Brown

It’s the holiday season, and whether you’ve felt it since Diwali 2022 or if you’re starting to feel it now, we are all dreading seeing our family during the holiday break. 

Is it me, or does it feel like somehow the details of our personal lives become everyone’s business, just by virtue of being Desi? Even people who aren’t related to us in any way want to know if we’ve found the “perfect” South Asian partner who will make our family look good, or how much money we make. The moment we meet someone new at a family gathering, it’s like they know our whole resume.

Here’s the thing, though: they’re not entitled to that information. 

I mean, yes, logically we know that, but do we really believe this? 

I would argue that we don’t, and it’s because we were taught that speaking up for ourselves, going against the grain, and ruffling feathers is disrespectful, especially when elders are involved. 

When you’re South Asian American, setting boundaries is not a one-size-fits-all approach. You have to be very careful about picking and choosing your battles and pay attention to how you feel when you notice your boundaries are being pushed. 

Here are my tips for setting boundaries effectively with your aunties, uncles, and elders this holiday season: 

1.) Express appreciation for the other person. Lay it on really thick. We know our elders love being showered with these compliments and having their efforts recognized. After all, they believe they’re coming from a place of care. 

2.) Know your audience. Our elders say some really fucked up, misogynistic, homophobic, racist things. You don’t have to agree with their beliefs and values, but you do have to know how to use them to your advantage. Remember that marketing and communications class you took in undergrad? Those skills will come in handy here. 

3.) Explain lightly. Sometimes our elders don’t quite understand why we’re saying “No”, “Not right now”, or “Not at all”. This is because they were never given the opportunity to say “No” to things that they did not want. Some of them may have been coerced into making decisions that left them unhappy. Explaining why you’re setting your boundary just a little can go a long way. If you try to over-explain, it can come off as condescending to the other person. 

4.) Express your gratitude for their (unsolicited) opinion and for trying to help you out. Acknowledging that they went out of their way to do something for you, even if you didn’t want it, can make your boundary sound better. It will get them off your back, at least for a little bit, and allows you to take control.

This is what I like to call the Sandwich Theory of Boundary Setting. You start and end with appreciation and gratitude, and assert yourself with an “I” statement in the middle. 

Here’s an example of what to say to an aunty who will not leave you alone about marriage: 

"Thank you, Aunty, for considering me for marriage with this person. I know how important it is to you that marriage be a strong, respectable institution, and both people should come together and be the best version of themselves. Right now, I know I wouldn't be able to be the best (husband/wife/spouse), and I want to make sure I am in a place where I can be. I don't want to waste anyone's time by rushing things if I can't be a quality companion. I will let you know if I need your help*. I really appreciate you looking out for me. I can tell you really care."

*you do not actually have to reach out to them, but telling them this leaves the ball in your court. 

Notice that these boundaries are specifically with your elders. With your cousins and other relatives, or people your age, please don’t fall for the trap you have to explain your boundaries to each and every single person. They know that you have the right to set a boundary—they were also raised in the same generation and society as you, and have likely tried to push other people’s boundaries before. If they keep asking “But why”, understand that no amount of explaining is going to get them to respect you. 

You have the right to be firm, and they will call you rude and disrespectful, but only because they didn’t get what they want from you. It’s important that we’re firm with our boundaries with Brown peers our age. For more on why this is important, check out my other Blog post, “Why Brown Girls Shouldn’t Be Afraid to Be Rude”. 

What’s an important boundary that you set with your South Asian elders? Tell me in the comments below. 

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