Is it Eldest Daughter Syndrome, or is it Something Else?

A Spicy Take

If you’re like me, you’re also an eldest daughter. We've all heard the stereotypes: the perfect, people-pleasing ones. But is there really any truth to these claims? While birth order can certainly influence our personalities and experiences, it's not the sole determinant of our mental health. There's a complex interplay of factors that contribute to the unique challenges faced by eldest daughters. I believe that “Eldest Daughter” is a lazy, surface-level take that doesn’t adequately address brahmanical patriarchy, the model minority myth, and fetishization, all of which influence Eldest Daughter Syndrome for South Asian women.

Cultural Expectations: A Heavy Load

It's not just about being the oldest. Cultural expectations and societal pressures can really weigh down eldest daughters. In many cultures, we carry the weight of responsibility, ," to keep  everyone happy, and follow all the rules. It's like we're expected to be superheroes, robots, anything but human. 

It's not always about being perfect; sometimes, it's about feeling like we have to be everything to everyone. Family dynamics, cultural background, and personal values can all play a role in how we experience being an eldest daughter. For example, in our South Asian diaspora , eldest daughters may be expected to take on significant caregiving roles. For South Asian eldest daughters living in Western cultures, we’re expected to take on these caregiving roles while also being  independent  and pursuing our careers.  If you can relate, it makes sense that you’re exhausted! 

Some of us might have really supportive parents, while others might feel isolated and misunderstood. It goes without being said that patriarchal values influence our experiences. In many patriarchal  societies, women are expected to prioritize family and domestic duties, and bear the brunt of responsibility for making the family look good.

Signs and Symptoms of Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Eldest daughters often feel this pressure to be perfect, to always do the right thing and meet everyone's expectations. It's like we’re constantly running a race, but the finish line keeps moving further away. This can lead to a lot of stress, anxiety, and even depression.

While there is no official diagnosis for Eldest Daughter Syndrome (EDS), certain signs and symptoms include:

• Intense feeling of responsibility for others You often feel a strong sense of duty, which leads you to take on more than your fair share for other people. In fact, you might be viewed as a workhorse!  If you’re a South Asian woman, you might face racist stereotypes that you can take on more without complaining because you are “traditional”. 

• Overachiever, Type A, and driven: You’re highly ambitious and focused on success, pushing yourself to perform at high levels, sometimes at the cost of your well-being.

• Worry and anxiety: You frequently experience excessive concerns that create stress and disrupt your daily life. In fact, you might find that you’re pretty neurotic!

• People-pleasing behaviors: You tend to prioritize others' needs over your own in an effort to gain approval and broker peace which can lead to neglecting your self-care.

• Difficulty with boundaries: You struggle to set and maintain limits , often feeling overwhelmed as a result, because you believe you’re supposed to be in constant service to others

• Resentment toward siblings and family: You may harbor negative feelings toward your siblings or family, stemming from a sense of imbalance or lack of appreciation in those relationships.

• Feelings of guilt: You often experience a pervasive sense of guilt for not meeting expectations, whether they are your own or those imposed by others.

Difficulties in adult relationships: You find it challenging to connect deeply with others or trust them, often influenced by your anxiety and tendency to please others.

The Guilt Trip: A Family Tradition

Let’s be real—you feel this way because your family believes that this is who you’re supposed to be, and they don’t see a problem with it! It's like you’re being told to "suck it up", "be strong”, or “just be grateful”This can lead to feelings of shame and guilt, especially when you can't meet everyone's expectations. It's a never-ending cycle of self-criticism and low self-esteem. For South Asian women, or for daughters of immigrant parents from Eastern or Global Southern countries, we’re told that we should just be “grateful” for (less) than the bare minimum treatment because we live in the West. This contributes to racist and orientalist stereotypes that women from immigrant families are more “submissive” than American women. I’m here to tell you that you’re allowed to dream bigger.

Breaking Free: It's Possible

It's important to remember that not all eldest daughters fit this stereotype. In my professional experience, I’ve noticed that many women who are diagnosed with “Eldest Daughter” syndrome…aren’t even the eldest daughter in their families! Many women are making the connections to patriarchy and the model minority myth,l  breaking free from these traditional expectations, and forging their own paths. By embracing your  individuality, and dare I say, learning how to be a little bit “selfish”, you can find greater fulfillment and well-being too!

Specific Strategies for South Asian Women  with Eldest Daughter Syndrome

• Read! Those who are hungry to know themselves have a hungry mind! You feel this way for a reason. I highly recommend reading books about Brahmanical Patriarchy, Model Minority Myth, and Fetishization of Asian women to help you make sense of your experience. 

• They can cope: You need to trust that the people around you are fully capable adults who can cope on their own. They may not cope as well as you, but you have to trust them so they can learn to trust themselves.

• Progress over perfection: If perfection is keeping you from doing the thing, you’re not doing it well. Sometimes you have to do the thing before you start to perfect your craft. 

• Set boundaries with yourself: sometimes the person you need to set boundaries with the most…is you. Instead of thinking about how others annoy you, focus on what you aren’t willing to tolerate, and tell-tale signs of when to back away from situations that irritate you. Challenge Self-Defeating Beliefs: The most common self-defeating belief for South Asian women with Eldest Daughter Syndrome is, “I must serve a purpose for others”. Other self-defeating beliefs include, “I must constantly be in service to others”, and “Other people can’t cope without me”. Challenge these beliefs by letting go of 1% of control, and see what happens. What is the worst thing that could possibly happen?

Seeking Help

If you’re a South Asian woman who’s been labeled with Eldest Daughter Syndrome, you deserve a therapist who gets it! 

• Therapy: You deserve a therapist who can help you understand your experiences without putting a label on it! A South Asian therapist who isn’t afraid to challenge cultural norms while also respecting your relationship to your culture is important.

• Support groups: Connecting with other women who have been labeled with Eldest Daughter Syndrome can build consciousness-raising and can help you feel less alone. 

• Self-care: You deserve to pour into your own cup and find people who pour into you (rather than take from you).

Feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to be perfect? It's time to prioritize your mental health and well-being.

You deserve a therapist who has a nuanced approach to Eldest Daughter Syndrome! Schedule a free intro call with me to see if I’m a good fit for you!

Does self-care make you feel selfish? If so, your guilt needs a little “detox”.Enroll in  "Detoxify Your Guilt," to overcome the burden of guilt.