You're Not Mean or Greedy for Setting a Boundary. Here's Why…
Let's talk about something a lot of us struggle with: guilt. That nagging feeling when we say "no" to someone, or when we prioritize ourselves. It’s like we’re programmed to please everyone in a collectivistic culture.
I used to be one of these people-pleasers. I used to think that I had to set myself on fire to keep the people around me warm. I'd say "yes" to everything, even when I was already stretched thin. I thought it was the right thing to do, but it was slowly draining my energy.
And worse–it was negatively impacting my relationships. I wasn’t showing up as my best self.
People say that setting boundaries isn't selfish; it's self-care. But I’d also argue that it’s precisely out of your care for others that you also have boundaries. When you don’t recognize and honor your limits, you’re going to hurt your relationships. So you owe it to yourself and to the people around you to have boundaries up.
You’ve heard that boundaries aren’t selfish; it's self-preservation.
Setting boundaries isn't just about protecting your time and energy; it's about honoring yourself. It requires truly knowing your own limits, and following through on your own boundaries. Social media treats boundaries like it’s surface-level, but really, it involves a lot of deeper work. It involves truly knowing yourself.
But you're not only taking care of yourself but also building stronger, more authentic relationships. When you're not constantly feeling overwhelmed and resentful, you're more likely to be a supportive and loving partner, friend, or family member.
Imagine this: You're finally able to relax, to focus on your hobbies, or simply enjoy some quiet time. You’re in a better mood, and you’re in the right state of mind to contribute to someone else’s life. When you say “No” to the things you don’t value, you say “Yes” to more of what you want to value.
BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES. Why TF should I care?
I get it. It’s all the rage these days. And it’s South Asian Mental Health™’s favorite subject on Instagram and TikTok.
But I need you to understand: you're not a superhero. You’re not supposed to be in constant service to other people because that’s not humanly possible. The reality is that you can't constantly be there for everyone, all the time. Even if the people around you make it look “easy”, I promise you that they’re constantly losing their shitIt's okay to say "no" sometimes.
So, how do you actually set these boundaries? Let's break it down:
Know Your Limits: First things first, you need to understand yourself. What can you handle? What drains your energy? Be honest with yourself about your capacity. Sometimes we’re not honest because we’re afraid that being honest about our limits makes us bad people, or that it means we failed.
Communicate Clearly: Don't beat around the bush. Be direct and respectful when expressing your needs and limits. A simple, "I'm not available then, but I'd love to catch up another time," can work wonders.
Practice Self-Compassion: Even people with the strongest boundaries often beat themselves up. It’s not easy, especially in South Asian households.
Master the Art of "No": Saying "no" can be tough, but practice makes perfect. Start with small things and gradually work your way up. I gave a free mini-training on this in my Instagram stories. Check out my highlights called “Toxic Guilt”!.
Reframe “obligations” to “contributions”. Instead of seeing everything you do as an obligation or an unpaid debt, see what you’re already doing as contributions. Chances are, you’re already doing enough!
Let's redefine what it means to be a good person. It's not about sacrificing your own needs for others. It's about finding a balance between giving and receiving, between selflessness and self-care. Being in community means you get to have needs too.
As much as you want to prove to everyone that you're a superhero, you don’t need to be the Good Indian Daughter/Son/Worker all the time! When you do this, you run yourself dry, and you won't be able to help anyone, including yourself.
So, the next time you feel that pang of guilt, remember: You're not mean or greedy. You’re already doing enough.
Still think you’re not good enough?
You don’t have to be in constant service to others to be worthy of love. Let’s work on this together. I’m accepting new clients in New York, California, and Florida! Book your free intro call to see if I’m a good fit for you!
Still guilt-tripping yourself? It’s not your burden to carry. Check out my course, Detoxify Your Guilt. Let’s unpack the BS together.