The difference Between Assertiveness and Boundaries
Let's talk about boundaries and assertiveness. You might think they're the same thing, but they're actually two distinct skills that work together to improve your relationships and overall well-being.
Assertiveness is about building confidence and standing up for yourself. It's about communicating your needs and desires clearly and effectively. Assertiveness can involve setting boundaries, but it can also involve other behaviors, like speaking up for yourself or saying "no." Assertiveness doesn’t always have to be communicated. It can also be about taking action for yourself, rather than seeking permission from others.
Boundaries are like the safety rails on a rollercoaster. They keep you safe and prevent you from going too far off course. They define what you're comfortable with and what you're not. For example, you might set a boundary about not being contacted after a certain time at night, or about not discussing certain topics with a particular person. But it doesn’t mean that you don’t get on the roller coaster and finish the ride!
Together, assertiveness and boundaries can help you:
Build trust: When you’re assertive and communicate your limits honestly and empathically, it actually shows people that you’re genuine. You’re not trying to live up to unrealistic expectations. When you can communicate your limits empathically, it shows you that you actually can show up to relationships as authentically as possible.
Build healthier relationships: Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. When you have clear boundaries, you can communicate your needs and expectations to others, which can help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.
Reduce stress: Setting boundaries can help you reduce stress by limiting the amount of time and energy you spend on activities that don't serve you. When you say "no" to things that drain you, you're making space for activities that nourish and rejuvenate you.
Improve your self-esteem: Building confidence and standing up for yourself can boost your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
Set healthy limits: Boundaries can help you protect your emotional and physical well-being so you can show up as a better friend, partner, or family member for the people who truly matter! BUT Remember: Assertiveness training may incorporate boundary-setting skills, but boundary-setting doesn’t always require assertiveness training. You don’t need to be “strong” or vocal to have boundaries.
Boundaries and Abuse
Boundaries are not possible in abusive relationships. Boundaries are effective if the other person respects your humanity. They might be disappointed, they might be hurt, but after some processing, they’ll respect your decision. Boundaries aren’t effective in abusive relationships because the other person does not respect your humanity. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be assertive and take action for yourself.
It's crucial to understand that communicating boundaries in an abusive relationship can be dangerous and may escalate the abuse. Abusive relationships are characterized by a power imbalance, where one person has control over another. This control can be physical, emotional, psychological, or financial.
When you set boundaries with an abuser, they may respond with increased aggression, threats, or violence. They may try to gaslight you, making you doubt your own perceptions and experiences. This can be a very dangerous situation.
If you're in an abusive relationship, it's important to seek immediate support to get you to safety. You cannot heal from ongoing trauma. There are many resources available to support survivors of abuse, including hotlines, shelters, and counseling and social work services, such as at Sakhi for South Asian Women, Narika, and Maitri,, . You don't have to stay!
Assertiveness Training for Everyone
Assertiveness is a valuable skill that can increase your confidence and self-esteem, regardless of your relationship status or background. It can help you in many areas of your life, including:
Relationships: Asserting your needs and desires can help you build trust and more fulfilling relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners. When you're assertive, you're clear and you know where you stand. Remember that there’s a difference between being assertive and being controlling.
Career: Assertiveness can help you negotiate for better pay, advocate for yourself, and speak up for your ideas. It can also help you build stronger relationships with colleagues and supervisors.
Personal growth: Assertiveness can help you challenge your fears, specifically your fear of uncertainty. If you have a hard time leaving your comfort zone, it might be because you’re afraid about what would happen if new changes don’t work out. . When you're assertive, you're less likely to feel like a victim and more likely to take charge of your own destiny.
Here are some specific examples of how assertiveness can benefit you:
Saying "no" in creative ways: Assertiveness can help you say "no" to requests that you don't feel comfortable with. This can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed and stressed. It can be as simple as, “I’m not able to take this one right now”, or “I’m not able to accommodate this request”, or “Not right now”.
Negotiating: Assertiveness can help you negotiate for better deals, whether it's at work, at home, or in your personal life.
Expressing your feelings: Assertiveness can help you express your feelings in a healthy and constructive way. This can help you avoid bottling up your emotions and can improve your relationships. It helps you approach conflict rather than avoid it.
Standing up for yourself: If someone is treating you unfairly, assertiveness can help you speak up for yourself. It may not lead to significant change, but it sends a clear message that you don’t consent to this.
Self-trust: When you witness the positive outcomes of your assertiveness, you trust yourself more, and feel more control over your life. When you express yourself in your relationships, you might be able to trust the people in your life more.
Remember, being assertive doesn't mean being aggressive or rude. It's about being clear, confident, and respectful. And having boundaries doesn't mean you're being selfish or uncaring. It's about remembering that you are a human being too!
Boundaries are unique to you. Ready to learn your boundaries? I’m a therapist accepting new clients in California. Click below to schedule your free intro call today!
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