How to Deal with The Silent Treatment
The “silent treatment” is defined by Medical News Today as “a type of behavior that some people engage in as a way of expressing anger, disapproval, or contempt for someone else. It involves not speaking to them or, in some cases, refusing to acknowledge their existence.” Chances are, you’ve experienced this in some way. The silent treatment can be both intentional or unintentional and can take on many different forms. Ever ignored a text you didn’t know how to respond to? Or had someone avoided an uncomfortable conversation with you? These are forms of the silent treatment. There can be many layers to the silent treatment, but a common trend is that it often occurs when we have big emotions about something and don’t quite know what to do about them.
In this post, I want to explore why someone might do this to you, and how you can deal with the silent treatment in a healthy, grounded way. I am also highlighting my own experience of my parents giving me the silent treatment.
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Story Time
As I explained in this recent Instagram reel, about 10 years ago I experienced the silent treatment from my parents.
For nearly two weeks after I told them I was moving to New York for grad school they would not acknowledge my existence. The reaction was immediate, they went completely silent. If I entered a room, they would leave. They refused to speak to me at all as a direct response to my decision to move.
Those two weeks before my move were filled with me making plans with roommates, signing a lease, and sorting out logistics. All the while my parents avoided me. At the same time, I was desperately trying to figure out how I would even get to the airport since this was before ride-sharing apps and I didn’t drive.
Finally, the day before I was set to leave, something miraculously shifted. My parents acknowledged my move and offered to drive me to the airport. We hugged goodbye, and although my dad spent years afterward trying to convince me I had made a mistake, over time, as I grew more confident in my decision, they too began to see that I had made the right choice. Looking back, this experience taught me a lot about dealing with the silent treatment, especially within the context of family relationships
Why the Silent Treatment Happens?
The silent treatment is often rooted in feelings of abandonment, rejection, or betrayal. In the case of my parents, my decision to leave home for grad school felt like a rejection of family expectations and tradition. For them, it likely triggered fears about what others would say, and consequently caused them to feel anxious and remorseful. These big emotions are what fueled their silence. And consequently, this experience really shaped my own understanding of dealing with the silent treatment in a family context.
In many cultures, especially within South Asian families, choices that go against expectations can bring embarrassment or even shame to older generations. What may seem like an overreaction to some is often tied to cultural values, generational differences, and fears of “what people will think.”
Another reason people use the silent treatment is control. Withholding communication can be a way to try to regain power in a situation where they feel powerless. From my professional experience, parents who threaten to cut off contact rarely follow through. This is because cutting ties means they would then have to explain your absence!
What to Do About It
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end, my biggest advice for dealing with the silent treatment is this: do not give them control. As Mel Robbins would say, if they want to be silent, "let them." The silent treatment is quite often an attempt to exert control over your decisions. You really don’t want to let the fear of the silence stop you from being true to yourself. The silence is rarely about you being “wrong.” It is an attempt to control your emotions or decisions.
This is easy to say, but I understand that it can be so hard. Maybe you grew up being labeled the “black sheep” for not fitting in. Maybe you tried to live up to being the “good kid” or like me the “good Indian daughter,” only to feel guilt and shame when you chose a different path. If you come from a more conservative culture with high expectations, these dynamics can feel very heavier.
But here’s the honest truth: the silent treatment says more about the other person’s struggles than about your worth. Choosing to stay in control, and choosing yourself, even when it’s hard, is always something to be proud of.
Final Thoughts
The silent treatment can feel painful, isolating, and confusing. But recognizing it for what it is, is so important. Really the silent treatment is a coping mechanism rooted in fear and control. It often also comes out when emotions are just too big, and we don’t know how to handle them. It becomes a last-ditch attempt to get you to respond differently, which is why learning strategies for dealing with the silent treatment can be so empowering.
So instead of letting it derail your choices, remind yourself that it is your voice, your decisions, and your life! The silence may linger, but your confidence and clarity will outlast it. Eventually, as your confidence in the decision grows, there’s will too.
If you like what you’re reading and want to learn more, please check out my free video guide! In this guide I will teach you how to follow your own path and break free from cultural constraints in a guilt free way. Click here to break these patterns with me!