Your Immigrant Parents Aren’t Helpless Victims: What South Asian Americans Need to Know
Healing Guilt & Setting Boundaries
The look on my immigrant parents’ faces when they’re upset with me is so familiar. They don’t even have to say anything to effectively guilt-trip me. When they’re upset with me, they don’t say anything. They look down and walk away. Nothing has to be said to get this message across: “Tracy disappointed me and I don’t agree with what she’s doing”.
As a licensed therapist, I know I’m not alone in this. For many South Asian Americans, there’s a quiet, persistent ache that comes with watching your immigrant parents struggle in a world they weren’t born into. You see their confusion at new systems, their exhaustion, their longing for familiarity—and you feel torn. Torn between compassion and frustration. Between wanting to help and wanting to breathe. Between guilt and your own need for independence.
Social media often amplifies one side of this story. We see sentimental posts about immigrant parents’ sacrifices, their struggles, their lack of understanding of Western ways. They’re portrayed as noble, tragic figures—helpless victims of a system they didn’t create. And while there’s truth in their hardship, this narrative misses something vital: our parents are not helpless. They are incredibly resourceful people who survived what most of us can barely imagine.
It’s time to honor that truth, not just to elevate them but to free ourselves.
Myth: Immigrant Parents Are Helpless and Don’t Know Any Better
A common myth floating around social media and modern narratives is that immigrant parents “don’t know any better.” We hear phrases like, “They’re just set in their ways” or, “They’re immigrants who don’t know better”. While these statements can hold some truth, they often erase the resourcefulness and intelligence of our parents.
Think about it: they navigated foreign systems in new languages. They raised children while working multiple jobs, often without family or financial support. They built entire lives from scratch in countries that didn’t always welcome them. That’s not helplessness, that’s survival intelligence.
When we reduce them to victims, we take away their agency. We forget that they made thousands of decisions—strategic, difficult, courageous ones—to get where they are. They are not “too traditional to change” or “too fragile to challenge.” They are capable, sometimes so strong that their survival hardened into rigidity.
Recognizing their resilience helps us see them as full people. Not saints, not victims, but humans with complexity. And that shift allows us to grow too.
Healing Intergenerational Trauma: Why Your Parents’ Pain Isn’t Their Whole Story
Immigration, by nature, is often traumatic. Leaving behind your land, your language, your support systems tears at something ancestral. Many of our parents carry deep grief they never had time or safety to process. That grief can sometimes shape the way they parent: with fear, control, or an obsession with safety and reputation.
But here’s the thing: trauma is not identity.
Our parents are more than what happened to them. Their trauma may explain their behavior, but it doesn’t define who they are. And the same is true for us. When we over-identify with trauma, when we see everything through its lens, we start to mistake pain for culture.
Much of what we call “just cultural” is actually intergenerational trauma that lost its context. For example, “Don’t bring shame to the family” might once have been a survival mechanism in tight-knit communities where reputation ensured safety. But in today’s world, that same message can limit autonomy and reinforce emotional silence.
By asking ourselves, “Is this a cultural value or a trauma response?”, we begin the work of discernment. That awareness doesn’t dishonor our parents. It honors the strength it took for them to survive and the strength it takes for us to evolve.
How to Set Boundaries With Immigrant Parents Without Feeling Guilty
Many South Asians struggle with boundaries because we’re taught that love equals sacrifice, that saying “no” is disrespectful, and that our worth is tied to obedience. But boundaries are not Western. They are human.
Even within our cultures, there are implicit boundaries, such as respecting elders’ privacy, not interrupting others, observing rituals that mark space and time. The problem is, emotional and relational boundaries weren’t always modeled. In homes where survival was the priority, emotional safety often took a back seat.
Setting boundaries with immigrant parents doesn’t mean rejection, it means relationship repair. It’s how we stop resentment from turning into emotional distance. It’s how we invite honesty into a space that often runs on obligation.
Culturally Sensitive Boundary Tips for South Asian Families:
Start small. Instead of big confrontations, try micro-boundaries—like ending a phone call when you’re tired or declining a family event you don’t have energy for.
Use compassionate language. Phrases like “I want you to know that I love and appreciate everything that you’ve given me” soften the edges.
Expect resistance. It’s normal. Boundaries can feel threatening to people who equate control with love. Stay kind, but stay firm. If boundaries were easy, you wouldn’t need them.
I write more about how boundaries are little different when you’re Brown here. If you’re looking for more boundaries tips, sign up for my free video guide on guilt and boundaries here, and I’ll send it right to your inbox!
Healthy boundaries allow love to breathe. They transform obligation into genuine connection.
It’s time to break Intergenerational Patterns!
For “Bad” Indians and South Asian Misfits who have been conditioned to feel bad about things that aren’t actually bad for you. Resist the guilt-trip with me!
How to Cope With the Guilt and Shame of Being a “Bad” South Asian Son or Daughter
The hardest part about standing up for yourself isn’t always the conflict, it’s the aftermath. The guilt. The fear of being the “bad” one. The quiet panic that maybe you’re becoming selfish, ungrateful, or Westernized. Or even the fear of being disowned or cut off financially.
If you’ve ever felt that, you’re not alone. Guilt and shame are powerful emotions in South Asian families. They keep us tied to family and community but also to silence.
Here’s what you need to remember:
Disagreeing with your parents doesn’t mean you don’t love them.
Your parents disagreeing with you doesn’t mean you can’t have your own path
You are allowed to fight with your parents.
Respectful disagreement > social harmony.
Love that can’t handle conflict isn’t love, it’s performance.
All relationships, across every culture, involve some amount of stress and tension. Loving relationships are stressful. Arguing, disagreeing, and even disappointing each other are parts of growth. Avoiding conflict doesn’t protect the relationship; it prevents it from evolving.
Coping Strategies for Guilt and Shame:
Name the guilt and shame and what guilt and shame are telling you: “My guilt is telling me that I’m doing something wrong”, or “My shame is telling me that I’m a bad daughter”.
Notice the urges that you have when you feel guilty or ashamed: “When I feel guilty, I feel like I have to go back on my boundary”, or “When I feel ashamed, I feel like withdrawing”
Normalize: Guilt and shame are not emotions that are specific to South Asian, Brown, or immigrant communities. Guilt and shame are normal emotions to have, and it makes you human. Find small ways to remind yourself of that.
Find the purpose in how you respond to your emotions: There are good and valid reasons why you act the way you do when you feel guilty or ashamed for your boundaries. What purpose do these urges or behaviors serve for you? How do they help you and your relationships?
Find the workability: Are the ways you respond to guilt and shame around boundaries working for you? Are there areas where they are not working for you? Can we find other ways to respond differently? When you feel guilt and shame, identify how you would like to respond differently.
You’re not betraying your roots by choosing yourself. You’re honoring the legacy of resilience your parents started.
Therapy for South Asians: Learning to Honor Yourself and Your Parents
If the idea of upsetting your parents makes you uncomfortable, that’s okay. You were raised to protect harmony, to make things easier for others, to earn love through compliance. But growth often begins on the other side of discomfort.
Choosing yourself doesn’t make you a “bad” son or daughter. It makes you an honest one.
You can love your parents and still set boundaries. You can be proud of their journey and still question their beliefs. You can honor your roots and still plant new ones.
If you find yourself caught between guilt, love, and fear, therapy can help you find steadiness in that space. Together, we can explore how to navigate cultural expectations without losing your sense of self.
Book your free intro call for therapy today to see how I can provide a safe and BRAVE space for you to begin untangling the guilt, shame, and fear that comes with breaking generational patterns. You deserve a relationship with your parents that’s not grounded in fear, but in authenticity.
Hi there! I’m Tracy Vadakumchery, LMHC and I’m a licensed therapist in New York. I work with Indian and South Asian Americans just like you who struggle with guilt and shame around forging their own identity. If you’ve been following my journey on Instagram, you’ll know I’ve been there too! If you’re looking for a space to explore what your own path looks like for you, consider booking your free intro call with me. I’m looking forward to meeting you!